Pahali

new chapter...

2010-10-26T08:55:00.001-04:00

So, I'll be taking a break from Pahali for a while to start a new endeavor in this new chapter in my life... "The Glenham Addendum" is my new blog with Trey, all about our life after the wedding. The marriage, after all, is what it's all really about. But, of course, we are complete newbies to all this, so... Join us as we discover what it's like to be a cord of three strands, joined together in Christ, and what it means and looks like to be a married couple in the world but not of the world. And don't worry—there are sure to be some laughs along the way as long as Trey is involved. :) The blog address is: www.glenhamescence.blogspot.com. Thanks for joining us in our new journey... We're so excited to be right on the brink of it!!!

Kwaheri for now,

Emily

"I"

2010-07-16T23:14:00.001-04:00

So tonight at a women-only event at church called "Radiant," we were asked to write down on a blank sheet of paper what our struggle is, what it is that we need to surrender or that which is keeping us from from seeing God the way He truly is (or ourselves the way He sees US). It is interesting that my word (well... list) began like this:

identity
image
in depth

All beginning with an "i." So if we were to discover, or at least begin to discover, who we truly are tonight, then who am I in this list? It then became this:

I...
identity
image
in depth

And as I began to think about these things that can be issues for me and who I am in the midst of them, I realized that within a new context, they are actually the Truth I know I should cling to. And so my list became:

I...
identity [in Christ]
image [of God]
in depth [with the Spirit]

That is where my perspective change and mental shift needs to turn. "We become what we behold." True statement. There is so much hope in that! Stay tuned...

recent stuff

2010-05-07T13:35:00.005-04:00

Whew... It appears I have officially gone on and successfully maintained a blogging hiatus for some time now. Several posts a month turned into once per month which has turned in...to... every... so... little... once... in... a... while...

But I have good excuses! How's this for a life revelation: I am busy! (Who isn't, I know.) Turns out I am a busy, busy girl this year. I just started a new job March 1st working as part of the missions team at my church, Port City Community Church. What a blessing that has been! Combining my passions for writing/editing, missions, connecting with/helping people, all while being a part of the undeniable and amazing movement of God in this body — and the sheer awesomeness of this physical environment that is like Pleasantville for Christians — has been mind-blowing to say the least. It is totally a gift from God, one I sometimes doubt I could ever steward well enough. "Cool" cannot even begin to summarize the past couple months of helping prepare short-term missions, coordinating with our missions volunteers, helping organize the Perspectives course we are offering here in the fall, expressing missions at Port City through written word, the beginning stages of co-leading two short-term missions this year...

Speaking of, yes, you read it right. Not one (Guatemala), but two! I AM GOING BACK TO KENYA!!!

There is a wicked huge grin on my face even as I type.

And so we cycle back to the busy. Guatemala in three weeks, then two months 'til Kenya, then two months 'til the wedding. But seriously this is the best busy I could ever hope for. God is so good and has blessed my life tremendously this past year. He gets all the glory and praise! Trey and I are leading the Guatemala team together (and he is *possibly* going to Kenya). It is an enormous privilege that we share this passion for missions and get the opportunities to experience it together.

So, do you want to see our Kenya team of TWENTY-SEVEN???

It is quite a large group to be leading through Africa! I catch myself praying for leadership ability when I have to remind myself that availability is even MORE important... that I can only position myself to let GOD work through me.

I pray also to maintain perspective through my daily reconciliation of missions and the wedding. While mine and Trey's relationship and upcoming union in Christ is entirely of the Lord and a beautiful, awesome thing that's meant to happen, the wedding itself (with its expenses and relative "extravagances") has often collided this year with the entirely different world that is missions. One night I am attending Missions Night here at church, watching a DVD on the Lost Boys of Sudan, and the next day I am trying on gorgeous gowns in an upscale boutique in Raleigh. One day I'm researching third-world countries and the next I am paying a hefty deposit for someone to tell our bridal party where to stand. My tagline has become, "It's OK to have a wedding." Not that I'm not excited!!! I have actually really enjoyed and loved the planning process immensely. It's just a stark contrast to another huge part of my life and quite a strange dichotomy to live through. I do know that God has purposefully placed me in this time, in this context, with these resources, and I have to continually trust Him in His sovereignty... as well as steward what I have been given. After all, we were "blessed to be a blessing"!

While I'm on a roll with the prayer requests... I also pray that while I'm on "this side" of these two short-term missions, the leadership role, that I would be able to cultivate a sincere heart of service and no just a mind set on accomplishing logistics. As I am sending reminder e-mails and meeting recaps and organizing applications and registering team members, etc., etc.... I want to spend even more time and energy praying for the people we are going to serve and being personally involved in these missions themselves, as someone on the team and not JUST as a leader. I hope that makes sense.

So that's kind of where I am right now. Lots going on, lots of challenges, even more excitement and blessings, and... not much blogging. If anyone is even ever still reading this, God love you.

Peace and love 'til next time!!!

Easter blessings: being intentional

2010-04-09T16:17:00.003-04:00

I think I may have just had the best Easter weekend of my entire life. Ever. As in, I am almost a week away from it, and I am still on an Easter high!!! It was both reviving and humbling, and a big reason why (other than God simply revealing Himself to me afresh) was this: being intentional.

I don't know if I have ever had such an intentional Easter. (Actually, I don't know if I have ever thought to use that word to describe Easter before in general.) It's always a nice holiday, sure, especially as a Christian... but I don't always meditate on the reason we celebrate. I don't always open my Bible and read the Easter story again. I don't always stop my busy life to remember and reflect on the Greatest Sacrifice of all time: what that was like, what it meant, what it means for me now.

But this year... I'm so glad I did.

It all started with Trey and I, in our weekly Bible studies together, deciding to take the week before Easter to read John 16-21, one chapter a night from the Easter story itself. We have been reading different parts or continued segments of the Bible nightly (separately) each week and then get together on Sunday nights to discuss and reflect on what we read and to pray. Simply taking the time to read a chapter per night of this riveting story was an awesome set-up for Easter weekend. It was in my head and on my heart as we prepared to celebrate.

I had the day off on Good Friday, so I then took a short trip home to St. Pauls, just in time to attend my home church's Maundy Thursday service with my parents. Being a weeknight service, I can remember begrudgingly going to this when I was younger. But since I have actually known what it means to have a personal relationship with Christ, especially in my adult years since college, this service has come to mean so much more. We took communion and sang hymns, and it was all an extremely special time of fellowship and worship. Then we had a Service of Shadows, in which different readers read from different parts of Scripture to tell the Easter story. The last was the Shadow of Death... just hearing the words read aloud actually brought tears to my eyes. Can we even imagine the sacrifice??? I have always loved the scene of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane... "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." That is just indescribable.

I also got the chance to spend a little time with my little nephew while at home—he is growing so much! Just seeing him is a blessing, and I got to give him a few "first Easter" goodies... one of which was a book of the Easter story. Inside I wrote him a little note from his Aunt Emmy and said that I hope this day will always be a reminder of God's love for him. That truly is one of my greatest hopes.

I returned to Wilmington on Saturday to volunteer at the 4:00 service we were having that night at PC3. (Six services this Easter: at 4 and 6 on Saturday, and the usual 9, 11, 4 and 6 on Sunday!!!) I am a teacher in one of the two 4-year-old classrooms on a weekly basis, but this weekend our preschool ministry staff was launching the new "4's theater" in which all the 4-year-olds would be together in the same room for each of the separate services. I was asked to be the "storyteller," in a somewhat skit-like format, which I was really excited about because reading the Bible story is always my favorite part. I got to tell the Easter story to my 4-year-olds at three different services last weekend (at the Saturday 4:00, and again at the Sunday morning 9:00 and 11:00). I got to tell the children about the Last Supper and even act it out with my little table and pita bread and pitcher of water. I got to exclaim the Good News to them that Jesus came back—He really came back!—in THREE days, just like He said He would!!!!! (One little boy was so excited by this that he cried out, "Yaaaaaaay!") What a PRIVILEGE it was to share that with them and to get to see their little minds try to wrap around the enormous truth of God's love...

Before one of these services I volunteered for on Sunday, I remember feeling like I couldn't hardly WAIT to worship that night. Trey was getting in from Monroe that afternoon, and so we planned to attend the 6:00 together. I went for a run through God's creation that afternoon in quiet worship of my own with Him beforehand... And then that night, just as I suspected, the service was SO powerful. The very first song was medley of "Jesus Paid It All" (on piano, cello and vocal) and "God Is Alive" (where they brought in another singer and four drummer boys.... AWESOME). I had tears in my eyes (yes, again!), and Trey and I both had hands in the air. What a powerful start to a great service. (Please watch it if you have time! http://www.portcitychurch.org/weekendcurrentseries.php) The anticipation and purpose for this night made the culmination soooo special and poignant for me.

All in all, it was just such a time of reflection and appreciation and worship and celebration. It was the best Easter I have ever had because it was exactly the way Easter should be. It truly represented the day's purpose. I found myself wanting to tell everyone what an awesome Easter I'd had, and WHY... I wanted to tell everyone the Reason for the Season!!! God truly blessed me last weekend with this fresh new revival in my heart and a renewed focus on Him. I pray that you were all just as blessed!

lack of passion

2010-03-07T13:43:00.003-05:00

This morning on my way to church, I felt this weird sort of lack of passion. My thoughts were bustling with wedding stuff, work, how cold it was (haven't we had a long enough winter!?), and I just wasn't necessarily excited about not being under my covers, preferably asleep wherein my mind could shut off entirely. My prayer time with God before I left had been cut a bit short, and so I was running purely off my own steam...

It's amazing how a shift in focus can change your entire perspective.

We got into the auditorium to begin worship, and I just thought, OK, this is what this time is meant for. You can't do anything about anything else happening outside of this place, nor does God want you to. So focus. The lyrics of a particular song we were singing leaped out of my mouth as they simultaneously imprinted themselves on my conscious: "We fix our eyes on You so we can set our hearts on You."

Sometimes, even as believers, we are going to feel a lack of passion. But we can't just change the way we feel unless and until we fix our eyes on that which we need to refocus. Set our sights first, and our hearts will follow suit. It reminded me of a quote I saw recently: "I cannot make myself love God. But I CAN learn more about Him, and the closer I get to Him, because He is love, the more my love for Him will grow." He will always draw us back in when we are distracted, disillusioned and indifferent. And you know, the devil is a master of apathy. He will trip us with its lair when we least expect it, taunt us when we don't even think it's possible after the high we've been on for so long. He knows that apathy is the opposite of love. Not hate, but apathy. With hate we still care one way or the other. We are still passionate, it's just in the exact wrong direction. With apathy there is a lack of passion—a loss of love.

I know I can never be too careful or feel as though I can just coast on my passionate love for God. My walk has strengthened more and more in recent years and even especially in recent months. Yet I still felt a sudden wave of indifference while driving to church this morning, out of nowhere. My prayer is to always fix my eyes on the Lord so that I can set my heart on Him, no matter what else is going on in life and even when I think my walk is strong. I need Him for everything, even when I think I'm "in control." I pray for His presence to become my focus. And I thank Him that His love and grace are insurmountable.

a fresh encounter

2010-02-24T22:03:00.005-05:00

I just got home from attending a Spanish-speaking home-church service with Trey, and I have to say it was a very cool experience... A friend of ours from church has been leading this worship service in his home every week, which grew out of his heart to reach his fellow brothers and sisters in the Latino community here in Wilmington. As we are preparing to go to Guatemala, Trey and I decided to go see what it was like, also in hopes to later bring the team with us at some point. We think it will be great for re-entry just as much as pre-trip, to get back home and have an opportunity to reimmerse ourselves in this culture as we continue to worship God.

Attending a local church in Guatemala is one of the things I have been looking forward to the most, just knowing how much I LOVED church in Kenya and experiencing that in a totally different part of the world. There is something about the solidarity of purpose in a room during worship, even and especially when languages are not shared or understood. Tonight we sat in a circle of about 20 people or more, on folding chairs and singing from small binders with the words to the same songs we sing at PC3 printed in Spanish to go along with the Spanish-language singers. I could feel the excitement to be in Guatemala but also just a cool aura in that room as we all focused our hearts on the same God. Javi then gave a message in Spanish (all I know is that he spoke on David, and he is very good at addressing a group of people), then we finished up with a couple more songs and prayer (I picked up "Padre," "amigos" and "gracias"... but, sadly, that is about my limit as of right now).

For one, it is just so cool to see this happening in town. It caused me to remember that home churches are gathering all over the place all the time, and it brought to mind what a new friend said recently about the church, that it cannot be thought of as the four walls and roof of a church building—because otherwise we could just leave and do whatever we want. No, the church is the body, and worship can take place anywhere there are people gathered in His name. As I am about to start working full time at PC3, this was a timely reminder for me: that we are just a very small part of God's movement all over the world, that people can "church" in all kinds of ways, and that they are all "OK" with the right heartset.

Trey remarked on the way home that sometimes, singing praise and worship songs in a different language can just be so powerful. I thought about it and wondered out loud if maybe it's because when we are reading someone else's words they wrote for a song that we understand, we are filtering our perspective through that person's words. But when we don't know what we are singing, it's our own hearts that come through as we focus on the Lord to whom we are giving praise...

I loved how friendly the Spanish culture is, and how unpretentious and unashamed this group of friends were as they came together in this way, both genuine and passionate. I love the way "Dios" and "Christo" roll off the tongue. I love to have an out-of-the-norm, fresh experience of God such as this. He is everywhere and everything, and I believe we are slighting ourselves of the fullness of what He has to offer when we refuse to see Him outside of our boxes. I think that's part of why I love missions so much. My own scope is drastically too small for what He wants to show me—show us all. How cool it is of Him to offer us such opportunities... :)

my one word, 2010

2010-01-18T23:25:00.007-05:00

It's that time of year again! Time for PC3's annual My One Word series. I always look forward to choosing a new word each year, and I love to look back on how my previous year's word evolved and worked in my life. As well as hearing about others'! (For those unaware, My One Word is my church's way of making New Year's resolutions. Instead, we focus on one word for the entire year that reflects the kind of person we want to become. Instead of being paralyzed and doing nothing about all of our flaws and character gaps, we can at least do something about ONE thing.)

My first one word four years ago was "inspire." I resolved to focus on how my actions affected other people. I decided to become more generous with my time by volunteering every Saturday at a therapeutic horseback riding center for special-needs children. Which was awesome, but what I didn't expect was that by the end of the year, as I got more involved and committed to my church, it was the people there who inspired ME.

The next year my word was "position." It was the year I went on my mission trip to Africa, and I decided I would focus on positioning myself to be used by God, whether that was making sure I was in a position to help others or seeking opportunities where I would be more available to act when God called. As this was a year when my prayer life really strengthened, and I found myself more focused on and devoted to relationship with God than ever before, I began to wonder if I had chosen the wrong word... Should it have been "prayer"? Then, while reading a book I was in the middle of at the time, I came across a paragraph basically listing or describing what prayer actually is. And the very last sentence said that prayer is, first and foremost, a POSITION. I couldn't believe what I had read! But I knew I had the right word; it had simply manifested into more areas of my walk with God than I had ever expected.

Last year my word was "rest." Believe me, I did not want this word. I wrestled with it, fought with God for Him not to give it to me. And yet, through His persistence, I was stuck with it. Wanting a more active word and desiring to go to Guatemala on a mission trip that year, etc., I didn't want to see how this word would play out for me. Little did I know, it was exactly the right word for me at that season in my life. Especially once I got a pretty clear "no" from God that it was not my year to do another mission trip, I had to accept the fact that God wanted to stay home and rest. I had several new roles and commitments at church and in life that year—but God taught me to rest. He taught me the importance of it. He taught me to become more disciplined in my quiet time. He taught me to humble myself and realize the importance of praying for a mission team when I myself could not go. He taught me to trust in Him and wait on Him when things in my relationship with Trey were not happening at the time line or pace I was hoping for. And especially now, looking back, I am so glad He knew all along that I needed a year of rest. Because this year, between planning a wedding and co-leading a mission trip and looking for a new house, etc., I am so glad that I learned the discipline of quiet time and leaning on God for all things. That I better understand the importance of being still, even when life is busy around me.

Which brings me to this year. My new one word is: "in." This word has popped into my head for a while now as one I might use. I have always been intrigued by the concept that Jesus spoke of in John 15 when He says, "Remain in me as I will remain in you." You hear this a lot and of course we know that our bodies are temples housing the Lord, that the Holy Spirit is IN us, etc... But what would it look like to be intentionally conscious of that as much as possible? Would we say half the things we say, go half the places we go, listen to half the things we listen to? How can I carry Him with me everywhere I am, not just during my quiet times or at church and church-related activities?

Another big reason for choosing the word "in" is my inclination for "destination thinking." This is my pastor's way of describing the unfortunate mindset we find ourselves in at times when we think, "Once I get to this place in life, things will be better." "Once I do this, then this can happen." "Once this time finally gets here, then this will be different." For me, I can definitely see myself running away with this kind of thinking this year... "Once we get past this part of the wedding planning, then this." "Once we are finally married, then that." The list goes on. And I recognize that I am inclined toward this. I often like to think of the possibility and potential in things (maybe why I'm an editor?), mostly looking with excitement and anticipation toward the future. I am realizing that I really need to practice being IN the present. Enjoying and savoring the moment I am in right now. Not waiting for something to happen but existing and growing in the here and now. Because things don't always happen the way we plan. We might still be in the same boat "once this happens." And God wants us to be who He has created to be regardless of our circumstance. I don't want to completely miss this time of engagement because I am so looking forward to being married. I don't want to slack off reading my Bible and journaling because I have so much else waiting for me to do instead. Basically, I don't want to become so consumed with what God MIGHT have in store that I am not aware of His immediate presence and what He is already doing, right here IN the present. It's time to really recognize God in me at all times and to be fully in the moment!

Here's to 2010... Can't wait to see what my one word will do!

all we need

2009-12-18T10:24:00.009-05:00

There is a story you might have seen yesterday that exploded over the Internet, one that really struck me and gave me pause when it hit my screen in the middle of my workday. It wasn't about Tiger Woods or global warming. It had nothing to do with Christmas. It was a human-interest story both horrifying and inspiring, a painful tale with a sweet ending.

A man named James Bain was charged and thrown in prison for life in 1974 for kidnapping and raping a 9-year-old boy. But here is the excruciating twist: He was innocent. Officials have recently determined through DNA-testing technology (which was unavailable in the '70s) that he couldn't have possibly committed this crime. He has spent the last 35 years of his life behind bars paying for a crime of which someone else is guilty.

The report said the first thing Bain did upon his release was to use a cell phone (for the first time ever) to call his elderly mother and let her know he was free. It said he looks forward to eating fried turkey and drinking Dr. Pepper, and he hopes to also go back to school. But even more touching were the lines the AP reported next:

"As Bain walked out of the Polk County courthouse Thursday, wearing a black T-shirt that said 'not guilty,' he spoke of his deep faith and said he does not harbor any anger.

"'No, I'm not angry,' he said. 'Because I've got God.'

". . . With a broad smile, he said he looks forward to spending time with [his mother] and the rest of his family. 'That's the most important thing in my life right now, besides God,' he said."

I think that may be one of the most powerful things I have heard all year. This man had plenty of time to "harbor anger," sitting in a cell for over three decades, wrongly accused and harshly denied of a life out in the free world. But he also had plenty of time to spend with God. And through the joy and freedom that God offers each one of us in Himself alone, Bain is now able to focus on that above anything else.

What an amazing perspective and reminder for all of us. It definitely brings all-new meaning to the idea that God is all we need. No matter our circumstances, needs and wants, no matter if we have nothing else, God is enough. It is hardly fathomable that that is what this man has taken from this experience. I truly believe the Lord must have been with him every day inside his cell, whispering peace...

In a different story but a not-so unrelated perspective, I read about Hannah again last night in 1 Samuel. Here is a woman who was told she could never have children, and then when God remembered her and blessed her with a son, she had to give him up when he got a little older. Her deepest desire had been to have a child, and yet she was able to give him away with gratitude and rejoicing in the Lord because she trusted Him, and He was all she needed.

I really wish I had this kind of trust and faith. It is hard not to be bitter when we are treated unjustly or our deepest desires go unfulfilled. But, amazingly, God is concerned with us no matter how big or small our cares may be—from an undeserved imprisonment to the longing for whatever lies in secret in our hearts. He is enough when times are good and when times are bad. He will provide when times are good and when times are bad. He is reachable when we have everything we want distracting us, and He is reachable when we have nothing and no one left to cry out to. He has a better plan when we desperately want things in our own timing...

Protect my heart this weekend, Lord—show me that You are always enough.

The LORD your God is with you,
He is mighty to save,
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.
—Zephaniah 3:17

tangible

2009-12-07T15:37:00.006-05:00

Have you ever wanted to feel the presence of God in a tangible way?

I'm talking an Old Testament, five senses kind of a thing. A reach-out-and-touch-you, hear-a-clear-voice sort of experience.

I'm learning in my small group's current study that the reason God spoke to people in Old Testament times through physical means (His audible voice, miracles, etc.) is because they did not yet have what is available to us now: the direct, continual access to the Holy Spirit that came after Jesus died. They did not have that personal connection to God that appeals to our spirits rather than to our senses, and so He had to speak to them in external ways in order to get their attention. (Not to say God can't still speak to us externally or hasn't since Jesus died, it's just not His primary means of communication anymore.) But as much as we often wish for a smack-me-in-the-forehead sign (and, really, who can't use one of these sometimes?), in reality, folks back then probably wished they had what we have: 24/7 open access to God the Spirit.

Still, there have been times in my walk with God when I felt like I wanted more. There is nothing like the feeling of being filled with the Spirit, but I have to admit I can think of more than a few times when I just simply wanted something tangible. Like Moses, who—although he was allowed more communication with God than anyone during His time, through audible conversation—still desired to see God's face. "Show me Your glory!" he cried in Exodus 33:18. Even the psalmist craved a one-on-one with God as he wrote in Psalm 17:15, "When I awake, I will see you face to face and be satisfied."

It doesn't happen to me on a regular basis, but there is one time in particular that I was in a real funk over this. I was actually driving down I-40 on the way to Raleigh to see my new little nephew, James, very soon after he was born. I'm not really sure how I got to thinking about it, but I remember thinking that I wanted so much just to be able to see or know God Himself in some kind of physical, tangible way. Not just conviction through His word, or through the Spirit in worship, or through a great connection in prayer—but to really have an external means of Him showing up in my life and lifting me up so that my faith would get a fresh vision and revival. I was almost frustrated, in a way, that this wasn't possible. It seems the stronger my relationship with God became, the more I wanted to know and exprerience Him. "If only You could reach right down and just give me a real hug or something" is actually the exact thought that stuck out in my head. If only for a quick second, a hug I can actually feel...

I drove on the rest of the way to Raleigh and, as always, had a great visit with my sister and brother-in-law. They were wearily joyful like all new parents, so happy to have their baby in the world and yet slap exhausted at the same time. Not long after bringing some dinner with me from a nearby favorite restaurant and enjoying brief conversation in their kitchen, they were ready to call it a day; I happily offered to stay up with James for a while until they had to get up to feed him again.

When it was just me and James in the living room, I rocked and bounced and walked and soothed him the best I knew how, until he stopped crying, dozed off and went to sleep. I remember sitting on the couch with him in my arms and noticing what an absolute perfect size he was at that time to be able to fit my arms the way he did—his head against the inner curve of my elbow and his feet up against the inside of the other. Just holding him was like a little hug.

A perfect hug.

It hit me all of a sudden.

God may not have given me exactly what I wanted, exactly how I wanted it—but I got my hug that night. And it was, for me, a tangible experience of the love of God.

black friday

2009-11-27T11:43:00.006-05:00

The day after Thanksgiving, the holiday season that has been so impatiently waiting in the wings takes a sharp turn toward Countdown Christmas and begins barreling down the home stretch, full speed ahead. We all know the decorations have already sneaked out of their hiding places, and many gifts have already been wrapped, but the full-on Christmas extravaganza needs no more than to be given an inch after the bird is cooked and eaten before taking well over a mile of the ever-increasing consumerism wrapped in all the glitz and glam that 'tis the season.

Don't get me wrong. I love the holidays. I love the spirit of giving and the extra quality time with family. I love classic Christmas movies, and Christmas music old and new. I love the nostalgia and the "magical" feeling in the air and all the traditions and activities. But, sadly, it's becoming more and more of a bittersweet time for me. I hate that Christmas has become a cultural holiday instead of the religious holiday it is meant to be. As fondly as I remember wonderful Christmas mornings throughout my entire childhood and lifetime, I hate that the central character is Santa Claus, not Jesus. I hate that the "reason for the season" reminders come only in a few boxed holiday cards and for a couple hours at church on Christmas Eve. I am definitely excited to decorate a tree and play Santa Claus with my nephew for the first time and do all the other cultural, non-religious traditions that are a part of the season and not necessarily bad in any way. I just really hope that we can also stand up for and prioritize emphasizing the glory of the first Christmas. When I stop and think that we celebrate our Savior's birthday with such fearful political correctness that not only allows but encourages the cultural holiday to win over the religious meaning, it kind of makes me sick. We (and I am just as guilty) focus on spending money and find ourselves actually looking forward to the new year when all the stress and pressure is simply over and done. We celebrate Christmas by reinforcing credit-card debt instead of accruing the joy and peace and gratitude He so freely offers to give.

I heard someone say on the radio this morning (K-Love) that the more we act as silent witnesses, the closer Christianity will come to disappearing altogether in America. Why should we be afraid to rejoice in the One whose existence gives us the ultimate reason to celebrate? I think it's an important question, and one that also asks us to define: 1) What's at stake, 2) What we truly believe, and 3) If the consequences outweigh the risk.

I definitely don't want to come across as though I think there is nothing good to be found within the Christmas season or that we are 100 percent all about everything else besides Jesus and family and charity this time of year. I just also strongly believe that we, as a culture, are sliding more and more in the opposite direction of what Christmas is really about—and if nothing is done about it, we will lose the perspective and purpose of what the holiday is meant to be. It's not about fitting the mold of the stereotypical evangelical, and it's certainly not about forcing anything down anyone's throat (remember, Jesus said to make "disciples"—not converts). It's simply about recognizing why there is a Christmas in the first place. It's about to "...in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted..." (Philippians 1:20).

This morning, via e-mail, I was also forwarded a discourse written by Ben Stein, the popular Jewish comedian, which I thought was very encouraging. I love the fact that a Jewish man wrote this. I honestly don't think it would have the same effect if written by a Christian—in fact, perhaps the opposite. I thought I would share it here to hopefully encourage more thought and more action. Merry Christmas season to all, and to all the hope of glory!

My confession:

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees, Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are, Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu. If people want a creche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from, that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution, and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let something like this happen?" (regarding Hurricane Katrina). Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, "I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?"

In light of recent events... terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill; thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave, because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing yet?

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.

Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.

... If you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in.

My best regards, honestly and respectfully,
Ben Stein

saying yes

2009-11-16T16:09:00.003-05:00

A month or so ago I was asked to give my testimony at an FCA meeting to take place November 16th (today). Anyone who knows me or has read this blog knows that public speaking is not my forte to say the least, but of course I said "Yes." I have never given my testimony in front of a big group before, but what a great opportunity to witness! I began to outline what I was going to say using the loose format given to me (Who were you before Christ, how did Christ come into your life, how have you grown in Christ, what is Christ doing in your life today), and that process alone was worth so much. For anyone who's never had the experience of writing out your testimony or collecting it in some way for presentation, I would definitely recommend it!

I was feeling pretty OK about it all, a little nervous about the speaking part, but the story I (of course) know well. And then there was a little last-minute twist thrown into the plan. It was not a bunch of high-schoolers I would speak to but a group of adult men. This I found out just last night. I arrived at the meeting today, and there were over 20 of them, the 50-something-year-old men who organize FCAs and are leaders in their churches all across town and have really spiritual-looking facial hair and such.

I have never been so intimidated in my life.

Since last night and up until that point, I was totally having an Exodus 4:10-12 moment. What in the world would I be able to say that will speak to these guys? Especially when I'm not even a good speaker? For these weekly meetings of fellowship, a different guest speaker is invited to give his or her testimony, and I'm sure I was not the first younger girl to stand up there. And, granted, there were two women among the group, whose presence somehow really helped. But I still felt such a role reversal. These were the type of men that I would go to hear speak, learn from, and who must know infinitely more than me... And yet it's times like this that are so healthful to our spiritual wellness. Moments of fear and uncertainty (being out of your comfort zone in general) allow us to completely depend on God, to rely on the Holy Spirit for peace and for the words to speak. So that's what I did.

To my great relief, it went much better than expected. I just told my story the only way I knew how. Lo and behold, I even got a few Amens! The encouraging feedback I received afterward was really surprising. Many thanked me for the honesty and sincerity, others said they related to my story, while others revealed a part of it that impressed upon them a new perspective. I was even invited to speak to at FCA "huddles" in a couple schools! The opening of unexpected doors, the feedback, the experience, and most of all the glorifying of God all would not have been possible with a very small yet very powerful word: "No."

I am reminded time and time again that it is not our ability but our availability that God so desires. Not what we can do (even FOR Him) but what He can do through us. He is the source, the means and the result. We are only the vessels; we get to be the hands and feet of the Spirit that actually dwells inside of us. How awesome and amazing is that.

Marys and Marthas

2009-11-04T21:42:00.002-05:00

I am close to finishing Joanna Weaver's book Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World (based on the story in Luke, Chapter 10), and I have to tell you, it's been a very good and convicting read for me. Or maybe challenging is the right word. The title itself drew me in originally... Yeah, we DO live in a "Martha world," don't we?! And it IS important to have a Mary heart!

I got pretty pepped up thinking about what words of wisdom I would find inside because the truth is, when I stopped and did a gut check right there in the aisle at Barnes and Noble, I have always felt more like a Mary, but more often than not I am acting like a Martha.

It goes without saying that we as Christians should continually cultivate a rich relationship with the Lord through daily quiet time with Him in prayer, reading and meditating on the Word, and worship. I have heard and read and seen (and experienced!) time and time and time again that nothing else like time invested with Him will strengthen our walks with Him, help us get to know Him better, help us to recognize His voice when we need discernment... the list goes on and on. I think we could all agree that having an intimate, personal relationship with Him is one of His utmost, foremost desires of us.

So, why is that so hard sometimes?

I have to admit, I am so very guilty of letting life distract me, with a schedule full of things to do and places to go—even church commitments can become a tension against the battle for the priority of my time! I have even tried to justify ol' Martha. Call me naive, or maybe it's that I always look for the good no matter what, but upon learning about the Five Love Languages, I began to wonder if maybe all this time that poor woman was just misunderstood... She didn't speak Quality Time; her love language was Acts of Service!

Jokes aside, there is just no getting around the fact that it is so important that we have Mary hearts—especially in this Martha world. Priscilla Shirer once wrote,

"In the stillness of the morning, I lean my elbows on heaven's windowsill to commune with the Lord, but then I decide to read my e-mail first. Satan laughs."

Those words were piercingly convicting to me when I read them recently—and for good reason.

I also make excuses that I just need a place to go, away from everything, so I can truly focus and not be distracted and have a chance to really be still. But even at the beach or at home or anywhere, really, that can be pretty near impossible. This is frustrating for me because I am not one who can't stand to be without people or doesn't know what to do with their own thoughts in solitude. Which is why I love the quote by Brother Lawrence—one I am trying to apply in my own life—that says,

"We can make our heart a chapel where we can go anytime to talk to God privately. These conversations can be so loving and gentle, and anyone can have them."

That's good stuff. My secret place for communing with God may very well have to be sometimes not in a quiet place physically but rather inside my own Mary-wannabe heart.

Really, I just wanted to share just a few quotes from Weaver's book, so I will stop rambling for now... :)

• "Against this Bethany backdrop of unexpected guests, I see the struggle I face every day when work and worship collide."

• "... a holy makeover. The bold one becomes meek, the mild one courageous. For it is impossible to be in the presence of Jesus and not be changed."

• "Busyness, by itself, breeds distraction."

• "In her eagerness to serve Jesus, she almost missed the opportunity to know Jesus."

• "We can get caught in the same performance trap, feeling as though we must prove our love for God by doing great things for him. So we rush past the intimacy of the Living Room and get busy for him in the Kitchen—implementing great ministries and wonderful projects, all in an effort to spread the good news. We do all our works in His name. We call him 'Lord, Lord.' But in the end, will he know us? Will we know him?"

• "Salvation isn't about what I do; it's about what Jesus did."

• Satan's "Three Deadly D's of Destruction": Distraction, Discouragement, Doubt.

• "'I need to know,' we tell ourselves. 'No,' God answers. 'You need to trust.'"

• "Fretting magnifies the problem; prayer magnifies God."

• "Keep reminding yourself to put God in your equation. Then, when fear knocks, you can send faith to answer the door."

• "...What's more, I may be stealing someone's else blessing when I assume I must do it all."

• God's Grammar Rules: #1. "Never put a period where God puts a comma." #2. "Never put a comma where God puts a period."

• Our walks with God are essentially:
- Not duty but delight
- Not common but communion
- Not ritual but relationship
- Not piety but privilege
- Not so much a visit as a homecoming.

taking notes

2009-10-15T22:01:00.008-04:00

Two nights ago I had the privilege to once again hear Kathie Baggott speak at a Perspectives class, this time at The Church on the Cape here in Wilmington. Always insightful and inspiring, super sweet and with a huge heart for the Lord, Kathie infused our time with stories and humor, observations from her well-read mind and tidbits of wisdom from her experience on the mission field. So that this blog will not suffer from occupying my words alone, I thought I would share a little bit of what I jotted down during the class (when I was not totally focused on the stories, that is. The lesson on which she spoke, part of the History section of Perspectives, was "Pioneers of the World Christian Movement"—one of my favorites!):

• Be invitational as well as inspirational.

• The "Conglomerate Commission": There are forms of the Great Commission in all four gospels and in the book of Acts (I wasn't wearing my glasses, so I hope these are correct: Matthew 28:16-20, Mark 16: 14-18, Luke 24: 36-48, John 20:19-23 and Acts 6:8). I thought it was interesting when she noted that all have both a mandate AND a promise.

• There are two common threads that appear in almost all missionary biographies: 1) Someone else (often another Christian!) discourages and disqualifies them before they leave for the field or when they make the decision to go. 2) There is great suffering (but they suffer victoriously!).

• A motto of William Carey: "Expect great things from God, attempt great things for God." It is specifically in that order, too, because we must first have faith and THEN act on it.

• The burden to spread the gospel among unreached people groups, even when there is "so much to do right here where we live," is based on the disparity in access to the gospel. There are many places people can go, things to read and people to talk to here in America, but among unreached people groups, that access is simply not nearly as available. She compared the gospel being food or medicine—wouldn't we try to evenly distribute that, too? (And is it not food and medicine after all?!)

• Learn to lean on God before you leave.

• A motto of Hudson Taylor: "Move man, through God, by prayer alone." Also, one of my favorites, "As now, so then" (our walks with God will not magically become deeper and stronger on the mission field; we have to develop them here and be the same way here as we are there).

• There are actually 4 ways to get involved in missions: as a 1. Goer (actually going on a trip or becoming an advocate), 2. Sender (financially, prayerfully and logistically supporting missionaries from back here at home), 3. Welcomer (spending time with refugees, foreign-exchange students, etc. who have, essentially, "come to us"), or 4. Mobilizer (training and preparing missionaries).

• If you don't think staying behind as a sender is doing anything, think of it this way: "Prayer IS outreach." It changes things.

• Sending is like a football game. There are relatively few players on the field with a whole host of other people helping make things happen through their various jobs on the sidelines.

• You are not worthy to stay unless you are willing to go. You are not worthy to go unless you are willing to stay.

• A "wow" statistic: There are roughly 18,000 unreached people groups in the world. There are roughly 600 evangelical churches for every 1. This is a winnable endeavor.

• Children are not the future, they are the PRESENT. They can make a difference right now!

• Sharing the gospel/proclaiming God's name and fame:
Christian ---> new culture = missions
Christian ---> same culture = evangelism
Christian ---> Christian = ministry

(And here's a little something to add from Reid Satterfield who spoke at class a couple weeks ago, paraphrasing, "When going to the nations, we are not just bringing the Word of God, not just the message, but the actual presence of Jesus Christ. He gave us His spirit so that we can incarnate Him through it—we are like walking tabernacles! The greatest thing a missionary can practice is to first and foremost attend to the presence of Christ, moment by moment. The reckless pursuit of Christ will always lead us in the right direction.")

God-view

2009-10-14T14:37:00.006-04:00

As I'm preparing to give my full testimony in front of a group of people for the first time coming up soon (beyond telling snippets of it within conversations, like during small group), I have done some thinking lately about how to tell it all at once: where to start, what to include, etc. I haven't figured out yet exactly what will "make the cut," so to speak, but it has got me peering into the rearview and thinking way back to the first perspectives I ever remember having about God...

Growing up and developing a different world-view is one thing, but I believe I also had a distinctive "God-view" as a child. The concept of God was large and overwhelming but infinitely fascinating to me. I always thought of Him as personal and present, yet mighty and mysterious. The same way I simply yielded to the idea that Santa Claus could visit all the little boys and girls in the world in one night, based on his incomprehensible magical abilities alone, I somehow harbored the same kind of awe-inspired surrender to the fact that God could hear all the people in the world's prayers at the same time, listening and responding to each one but never getting confused. He was huge, He was "other," and yet He was available to me. That, I think, is my favorite God-view I developed as a kid.

I remember during the closing prayer one specific morning at pre-Sunday School (the half-hour of worship before Sunday School that included all the great old hymns and ended with some yummy snacks). I was pretty young and wondered to myself on this particular day why everyone prayed with their heads bowed down. Ever curious, yet thinking literally for once in my life, I was not happy with turning my face to the devil when I prayed... And so, while the rest of the folks in the room bowed their heads with eyes closed, I turned my face up to God for the remainder of the prayer. THAT, I figured, was real reverence, not the other way around. (I mean, talk about paying attention to whom you are speaking to!) But as cute as it sounds, and as many times that I fell off the path later in life, I think this was part of taking my first steps in having a personal walk with God and forming that relationship.

Speaking of the devil (no pun intended), another memorable concept was that of the two forces of good and evil in the world (I am pretty sure growing up with "Star Wars" had quite a hand to play in this). I remember having nightmares about God and Satan getting in these terrible battles up in the sky somewhere, God constantly having to fight him off and keep him from harming all of us down here. There was one night in particular that I woke up alarmed and afraid, horrified by the thought that, although God was more powerful and always came out on top, what would happen if He just got tired of fighting one day—and lost? What would happen to the world if God was not strong enough even one good time to fight off the devil? I remember running downstairs to my parents' room after that one, unable to shake it. But as terrifying and overwhelming as it seemed, I think that was part of a newfound awareness of the reality of spiritual warfare, something very real and threatening to the world even to this day.

There were other times that I would think about what had been said in Sunday School and during the children's sermons about Jesus always being there, all around us. Again, being the hyper-imaginative child that I was, I wouldn't just stop at the comfort of that thought, but I would take it very seriously, lying in the dark in bed at night thinking that if Jesus were to actually be standing behind me on the other side of bed, I would be so incredibly afraid. "If You are here right now," I remember thinking, "I love you, but please go away!" Yet as much as this seems over-dramatic or maybe like a misunderstanding on my part, I think it was actually the initial cultivation of having a healthy fear of the Lord.

It's so interesting to look back and see what has shaped our faith. It's so important to remember and reflect. I know I have definitely had large spans of time in my life when God was the last thing on my mind. But I hope that one day as I approach the throne, I will, like scripture says, enter like a child: believing, awed, inspired and receptive, full of boundless love and joy and, yes, wild enthusiasm. I don't think it is any coincidence that we become more like children as we grow older. This middle stuff—we draw in so tight and put so much focus on ourselves. So my hope is to make my daily walk take on more of child-like God-view, to live day by day as a child of God—in the truest sense of the word. Laugh openly, love fully, depend on my Father, revere Him for who He is yet revel in the time we spend together. Moment by moment.

homebird

2009-09-22T12:47:00.001-04:00

Just a little tribute to home...

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Missions Night

2009-09-18T10:35:00.005-04:00

I have been asked to speak at this month's Missions Night at my church (actually, to be interviewed with three other people onstage). The night is designed to inform and inspire people about missions, for anyone who has ever thought about missions, whether they have been on a trip or not. The interview section will be to provide first-hand experiences and perspectives on the different concepts of short-term mission trips from the onset to the end. (I am so blessed to be part of a church with so much to offer and so much going on in the World Christian Movement!)

My part of the interview will be all about re-entry: how my trip to Africa affected me and what I did once I returned. As I've been preparing for what I'm going to say, I was really surprised to realize just how many things have helped me process my experience as well as "cope" with re-entry (something that is rarely ever easy). It's amazing what all we can do after a mission trip and what all there is to do from home. For me, that has included serving in my church's children's ministry (Grow Zone), serving as a sender for other mission teams (since it didn't work out for me to go somewhere again this year), leading other teams through the three training modules designed to prepare them for short-term mission trips, giving presentations with Trey at four different churches literally across the state, taking the semester-long course about missions called Perspectives (www.perspectives.org), and continuing to be a part of our church's monthly Kenya Prayer Group. What I have landed on for my interview's "bottom line" is that re-entry is GOING to affect you—but while we may not be able to avoid the re-entry experience, we do have a CHOICE in what we do with it, and in whether our impact will be positive or negative. This year I've really had to humble myself by not being on the "front lines" again, so to speak. But with so many things you can do as a result of a trip, with so many things that can be done here from home, I have learned that every part we play in the overall movement is for God's glory and is important.

As for speaking about all this in front of people, well, that's another story... I am more than well aware that I am totally terrible at public speaking. I have never been good at verbalizing my thoughts in general (let me write it down, and I'm good to go!), and to top it off, being in the spotlight makes me really nervous. I stumble over my words, ramble, repeat myself, my hands shake, my voice gets quivery... OK, I am really not making this any easier on myself right now... Sometimes I wonder why I am given opportunities that are so often outside of where I feel I am gifted. But I have had to realize that God can use me exactly how I am (just like I have realized this year that He can use me exactly where I am as well). When I am weak, He gets to display His strength! Being out of my comfort zone like this really challenges me, but in turn it makes me totally dependent on God—which is both humbling and, in a wonderful way, comforting. Trying to control this situation myself would be a disaster and not glorify Him at all. My focus needs to be not on how I am going to get up there and do this but rather how I can simply be available to let God work through me, to let Him equip me and give me the words that He wants conveyed.

I'm really excited to see how people's interests and passions for missions will ignite after tonight! Once my little part is over, I will get a chance to talk with people one on one and even just observe all that goes on. I remember attending my first few Missions Nights and just being blown away—what's so crazy is that they keep getting better and better! God is certainly at work, and what a privilege it is to be a witness... and sometimes to even be given the gift of being a part of it.

rest assured

2009-09-11T15:41:00.004-04:00

He doesn't forget any one of us. Not a single one of us.

More to follow...

cast your cares

2009-09-02T13:15:00.006-04:00

This morning I learned that (one of) the Greek words for "worry" means "to divide the mind." There are also Greek words for worry that mean "strangle" or "choke," etc., which I think we can all relate to, but I was especially interested and curious to find that it also stems from a concept of division...

There are SO many messages and inspirational quotes, religious or otherwise, that we hear all the time about worrying and how useless it is. Thoughts like: worry robs us of our joy, it doesn't accomplish or solve anything, time spent worrying are minutes of life that are wasted, worry doesn't change anything about our predicaments except that we feel worse than before. But I can really relate to the idea that it is also divisive, namely dividing our minds. For example, we can say that we trust God completely or that we hand over a particular situation to Him, and yet we still worry. With all of our continual, obsessive anxiety over something, we are split between truly trusting God and feeling as though we can't put Him in total control (because that would mean WE have NO control, and we all hate feeling that way). In times of worry we are also split between what we CAN do about a situation and what we CAN'T. Generally, I think worry creeps in the most when we feel like either a) nothing can be done, or b) something can be done, yet we are afraid to face it or step up. We are stuck with a split personality, a two-facedness of sorts when we allow worry to strangle us. But, and this is most tragic of all, worry splits our relationship with God right in half as well. When we don't surrender our whole trust over to Him, it inhibits our relationship with Him. We can't have one foot in the boat and one foot on the water if we expect to walk there beside Him. He is extending a hand to us, volunteering Himself to be there with us, guide us and show us the way that He has already prepared, simply out of His immense love for us that we could never try to earn. And yet we still worry.

I really believe that our rampant worry and anxiety is one of the things that most saddens God's heart, not just because He sees the pain it causes but because it divides us from Himself. It is a blatant sign of our distrust and our stubborn cravings for autonomy and control. Trust is a bridge, and God needs us to not continually hack away at it like termites if we truly desire unity with Him. On that note, worry has to be one of the devil's most favorite weapons—anything that slices through our oneness with our Father.

I know personally that many times I find it hard to believe or apply the fact that we are called to worry about NOTHING, to cast ALL our cares on Him... EVERYthing. Does that mean little things like running late for appointments or wondering if a friend took something you said the wrong way? EVERYthing. Does it mean big things like the bills piling up on the counter or an illness in the family or a child's progressing independence or whether or not you can handle what the future holds, be it a new job, a lost relationship or a scary move? EVERYthing. It is so freeing and yet so hard to accept. Everything, everything, everything... It's not a "take one pill and call me in the morning" formula; it's a way of life, a part of our walks with God, a perspective change that lines up with peace and trust and oneness. We are in His hands, and that simply cannot mean all of us except this and that aspect of our lives. It is ALL of us; no divisions. It is one step at a time across the bridge He continues to rebuild.

crash

2009-08-20T09:16:00.004-04:00

This morning on my way to work, I began approaching stand-still traffic ahead, and before I knew it, there were cars filing in behind me, and I realized I would be stuck for a while, unable to turn around. To be completely honest, my first thoughts were that of sheer frustration, especially after all the back-to-school traffic I'd found myself trudging through yesterday on College Road—and especially since I had hoped to get into work early this morning and get a lot of stuff done. Do, do, do; go, go, go.

That's when I noticed the blue lights, the glass on the road, the ambulance and the fire trucks.

I was about five or so cars back and couldn't actually see what had happened, but I did catch a glimpse of a smashed hood, and with the collision of my own small thoughts with this glaring vision of the bigger picture, I prayed immediately. I have always said a quick prayer at the sight of a wreck, but especially since the horrible motorcycle accident I witnessed last year, my genuine concern for total strangers has elevated exponentially, and like any accident I've seen since, I shuddered in empathy and horror as my thoughts escorted me back to that time and place...

I was no longer worried about lost time or my own impatience but suddenly keenly aware of just how quick and fragile life can be. My prayer became that God's presence would fill every space of that situation: from inside the ambulance, to the room at the hospital where the doctors would be working with healing hands, to the place in which a family member(s) might be when they received a phone call in the near future about the status of their loved one. I have no idea the extent of accident, whether or not either driver walked away without a scrape or whether it was really bad—but I did know right then that God's hands were on the situation. He knew when I didn't have to, and so all I could think to pray for was His presence.

Just like the Spanish worship CD I was playing in my car, the words of which were totally incomprehensible to me, I sat not knowing exactly what was going on ahead but sure that God was in it.

Soon, I was able to make a left U-turn at the adjacent stoplight and was on my way again, on a different road toward work. No matter how small or huge the outcome of that wreck might have been, of course I wished it hadn't happened at all, and I pray for the complete well-being of all those involved. But I also took it as an opportunity to be reminded. Reminded that I, we, are always in God's care and His presence. So many times it takes something loud and large and jarring to make us hyper-sensistive of the awareness that we are in His hands, completely dependent on He who does not take his eyes off us for one single second. His presence is everywhere: all the time, in every thing, in every place. And His presence—as opposed to the absence of conflict—is peace.

slide show 2

2009-08-16T15:49:00.004-04:00

I made another Kenya slide show, this one only about a quarter as long as the first one. Basically, I just love the song (especially the lyrics to the chorus), and I got to use some of my pictures that weren't in the first one.

It makes me ask what I really knew about things such as hope, love and courage before I was put in an environment where they don't just say what they believe in, surrounded by comfort, but they have really lived it and experienced it to know it. It makes me question what strength and love I could really possess and give out if I were to truly allow the Lord to live through me daily. I hope you enjoy, and are as blessed and challenged by the boys as I was...

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

thina simunye

2009-08-12T15:12:00.008-04:00

Soul-searching eyes,
Dirty bare feet,
Would you have ever known
You were one of His lost sheep?

Wandering all by yourself
Through hard and hostile streets,
How could you ever understand
You were one of His lost sheep?

No steady hand to feed you,
No place to fall asleep,
You must have thought you'd always be
A lost and lonely sheep.

But a cradled hand reached down below
And sought you as His own,
He brought you back into the flock
To seat you on His throne.

One of many thousands
He couldn't bear to leave behind,
To once be lost and now be found
In blood-stained grace of the Divine.

And now to live with fruitful joy,
With peace and love in store,
Through the glory of our Father
I, too, am lost no more.

when's and where's

2009-08-11T15:43:00.005-04:00

Lately it seems like all my questions directed at God have been when's and where's. "Where am I going to go next year on a mission trip?" "Where should I be serving here until then?" "When [.....]?" etc.

Lots of people get hung up on the why's and how's. (And don't get me wrong; I have definitely wandered through that desert, too.) "Why is this happening?" "Why me?" "Why can't I do ___ instead?" "How am I ever going to get from Point A to Point B?" "How am I supposed to handle this?" For that matter, even the what's will creep in there now and then, unassuming and then suddenly demanding answers ("what the heck!?").

One thing's for sure, though, and that's that God sure knows how to keep us in suspense. I've heard many varying opinions on the reasons for this: "If we knew the end of the story, we'd try to take control of the situation ourselves to get there faster or easier." "God reveals our next steps little by little—our trust in His sovereign plan is what develops our faith." All good points and all good ideas. Doesn't make it any easier.

I am continually stuck with my where's and when's, hoping it's not offensive, annoying or frustrating to be asking Him the same questions again and again... But recently I was convicted of my "geography questions" while listening to Jon Acuff's interview on a Chicago radio show. His idea of God's answer to all of our where questions? "In My presence." We don't have to know the places we will be (living, serving, working, going to school—insert your own "where" here) as long as we simply follow and trust the Lord. Where He leads us is His will and what's best for us. In that case, I have a feeling that trying to find our own way, despite really believing we would like to be ___, will never pan out to match His plan for us. It should not make a bit of difference where I serve as long as it's where He wants me and where He can use me. Even if it's only ever right here in Wilmington. That one's up to Him. My job is to simply walk in His path, one that will be lit before me, step by step...

So, if the answer to the where questions is "In My presence," the answer to any big when (according to E. Elliot, Passion and Purity) is: "Trust Me." "But WHEN will it happen?" Trust Me. "But when will I know?" Trust Me. "But when will I go?" Trust Me.

Trust and control: the root of so much of our problems. I have come to believe that PRIDE is the root of all the other sins, but that a LACK OF TRUST is the root of all our missteps and wrong turns. If we trust Him, listen to Him, obey Him, there is no way He will lead us away from His will—even if it doesn't always match our own desired timelines or X's on the map. He is always the answer to ANY of our questions. He is always the punctuation to our dreams, our hopes, our doubts, our fears. He is always the ending, as well as the beginning, as well as the right-this-second, in what we may be considering the "in between." For Him to also be the now makes me not want to waste a second of the present—a time that is always a solicitously wrapped gift especially for me. Praise Him that it's NOT up to me...

blessings in disguise

2009-08-05T15:43:00.003-04:00

One of my most favorite things about the Bible is the fact that (other than newly updated versions) it never changes. It has never changed, its principles cannot be twisted to "fit" our lives today, and it never will change. This truth is something that, for one reason or another, I have been continually reminded of and thankful for this year. How amazing that the very words people have read and applied to their lives for centuries are meant for all of us today and can absolutely still be applied! The framework for the stories, the physical materials and the actual environments in which biblical people lived are of course different, but it was written in such a way that the message can be taken away by anybody. In fact, not only have people of all generations lived their lives according to the living Word, but it was also written in such a way that it is totally culture-less, too! As my friend Emily—who recently finished a six-months mission in Guinea, West Africa—put it, "Few things are completely cross-cultural. Even flushing a toilet seems to be cultural! I find comfort in knowing the Gospel is culture-less. The fact that God does not change and his word is consistent is a truth I need to know. Regardless of who you are, what you are going through, what part of the world you are from, what language you speak or what color you are, God knows you and is very fond of you."

One thing the world today has that the Bible had, too, are blessings in disguise. In fact, the Bible is FULL of them. Joseph comes to mind. So does Abraham. And dozens and dozens more. I'm not even sure that's what we should call them, actually, seeing as how if we truly trusted Him we'd know that these blessings are not "hiding" but there all along, even if we don't recognize them right away. It's a hard thing to do, though, for sure. And somehow, in His great grace, He uses us anyway and continually blesses us even when we're not sure we can trust Him with the situations we have been given. People in the Bible really weren't much different from us, either, I don't think. He has always used average, unconfident people! But when problems or conflicts arise, as my pastor recently said in the current series we are on about Ruth (another blessing-in-disguise story), "We struggle with the tendency to do GOD’S work OUR way! This happens when we: 1. Project our assumptions on God! and 2. Justify His commands accordingly!" Consequently, he said, "Disappointment occurs when God’s way is not our way; bitterness is our response to disappointment; and bitterness steals joy!" And finally, "God SOVEREIGNLY uses EVERYTHING for His purposes!"

EVERYTHING. Even afflictions that we cannot understand at the time, because of our extremely limited scope and the fact that God "paints on a canvas that is so much larger than we could ever see or understand" (can't remember who said that, but it is not my own well-put quote). Even just today the daily flip-over devotional on my bedside table said, "Enjoy prosperity while you can, but when hard times strike, realize that both come from God (Ecclesiastes 7:14, NLT)." Both. And I would say that's because He both loves us and wants what's best for us—and only He knows what that truly is!

It's definitely scary, but I also find a lot of comfort and freedom in the fact that God sovereignly uses everything for His purposes. That even when I feel slighted or unjustly afflicted, a blessing can be found out of that very circumstance just around the corner. Or maybe even years down the road. I see it all through the Bible, cover to cover (not that I have read every word—just to be real), but it's rampant throughout, and I also see it today. I can see it in my own life. I see it sitting across a kitchen table from me in an 80-something-year-old widow whose husband was in the military for much of their young married lives. With three young daughters and an absent man of the house much of the time, she had to learn to be independent, despite the loneliness and frustration. Now, 60-some years later, she is grateful for the lessons learned, as becoming a widow and keeping up a home all on her own now is just a little bit easier...

I wonder if one thing we lack so much today is sheer TRUST in God's faithfulness. Or the fact that our perspective should be not about our own ideas of justice and comfort but about our HOPE in His promises. Just like author Elisabeth Elliot writes about in Through Gates of Splendor. Her young husband was speared to death by a malicious tribe of Ecuadorian Indians that he was trying to bring the Gospel to back in the '50s, and yet within a very short span of time from that tragedy she writes, "God is God. I dethrone Him in my heart if I demand that He act in ways that satisfy my idea of justice." Amen to that. Now if we can just, little by little, achieve that kind of faith...

"I know, O LORD, that your laws are righteous, and in faithfulness you have afflicted me." ~Psalm 119:75

daily choice

2009-07-30T09:14:00.007-04:00

Last night I talked for a long time to a friend of mine who is going through a pretty rough time, and this morning she sent me a text message. I opened it tentatively, and yet there on the screen part of it said, "Today is a new day to choose to trust God."

Yay! Breakthrough! Real-life evidence of Him moving in her and that His mercies are new every morning!

But, of course, as most bloggers probably do, I internalize things very much and didn't stop there with that thought.

Recently I read Elisabeth Elliot's excellent book "Passion and Purity" (after also recently reading her book "Through Gates of Splendor," which immediately escalated to favorite-book-ever status, which has solidified her as one of my ultimate heroes). In it she writes this: "The kind of love that sustains a marriage is God given, but it is also a daily choice. For the rest of your life." So what my friend said got me thinking... If marriage is representative of Christ's relationship with the church, and if what Elisabeth wrote is true, then maybe our walk with Him is also a daily choice. His love and His grace are God given and never change, but it is our daily choice to accept it... Maybe we can't expect our first-time choice to follow Him to maintain our walks. We have to get up each day and choose again to follow Him.

I have a lot of people I am praying for right now, between friends like this, several missionaries I'm committed to praying for as a "sender," and of course family and close loved ones. Every once in a while I get tripped up by the deceptive lie that my prayers aren't going to matter. That if God is so Sovereign and has a plan for everyone and is in control of everything, then why would He stop and say, "Hmmm. Well since Emily asked me for this, I must need to change my plans completely." But He does hear us, He does answer us, and prayer—especially intercessory prayer for others far away, in places where we can't actually DO anything for them otherwise—is the most powerful tool we have in our corner, and we have a compassionate God who desires relational communication with us. So maybe one of MY daily choices should be to continually choose to believe in the power of prayer, every day. And leave the rest in His hands...

What is something you could commit to making a choice for daily?

a leader like the light

2009-07-22T21:07:00.010-04:00

A comment said to me this morning, sort of randomly and probably without any real merit or prompting, got me thinking about someday being in a position of leadership. However long or soon that could be, and whether in my current place of work or not, I think it is probably a good idea to go ahead and think now about the kind of leader I would want to be. (This is not me hoping for it or even necessarily thinking it will happen, just preparation.) It's even more important, I think, because positions of leadership—or authority in general—come in many forms in many different places, and whether we realize it or not, anything we do that is eligible of falling under that category will have us leaving some kind of effect on others.

Think about it. The boss at any given workplace pretty much sets the tone for the atmosphere of the entire office. Are people rolling their eyes behind his/her back? Are they exhaling huge sighs of relief when said boss leaves the premises, giving everyone free reign to relax, gossip, swing from the rafters (just kidding)? Is said boss loathed and despised, the sight or his/her car alone cause for a slight though brief panic attack? Or are people in a good mood around the office, willing to go to their boss for anything, and most especially trusting of his/her character?

Leaders ultimately set the tone, the standards, the vibe, the motivation and even the mood for all those "under" him/her. It's not just about getting a job done or hitting marks but actually leading others in a helpful, constructive, motivating way. (Anyone out of the spotlight or vocal leadership are leaders by example and not exempt.) It is in this way that I feel leadership is not a goal but a gift.

Tonight I was all set to dive into Ezra and Nehemiah (long story—I just want to read them all the way through), but something took me back a little further first. Maybe I just wanted some background before jumping right in at that point, but somehow I found myself back even further than I planned, past 1 and 2 Chronicles and 1 and 2 Kings and into 2 Samuel. There I found the final words of King David before he died:

"The God of Israel spoke, the Rock of Israel said to me: 'When one rules over men in righteousness, when he rules in the fear of God, he is like the light of morning at sunrise on a cloudless morning, like the brightness after rain that brings the grass from the earth.'"

A leader like the light of morning, huh? But—only when he rules in righteousness and in the fear of God. I like to check the "Remix" version sometimes (also known as The Message), part of which says: "Whoever governs fairly and well, who rules in the Fear-of-God, Is like first light at daybreak without a cloud in the sky, Like green grass carpeting earth, glistening under fresh rain."

Niiice. (Re-remix!)

I checked out one more version (gotta love Biblegateway.com) and found a part I loved in the English Standard Version: "...When one rules justly over men, ruling in the fear of God, he dawns on them like the morning light..."

He dawns on them! Like, has it ever dawned on you that a leader can be effective, good at what he/she does and hitting all the marks all while walking in the Spirit and bearing the fruits of it? Is a leader, particularly in an office atmosphere, who is leading in righteousness an oxymoron sometimes? Sadly, in some places, yes. But personally, I think David was on to something...

Hopefully I/we can accept positions of leadership in life with a heart like David's, humbly accepting the gift of it and stewarding it well in the eyes of God. It is so easy to think that any raise or promotion or request to lead something is because we had to work so hard to earn it and that now we can strut our stuff and be arrogant with it and forget how it feels to be sweating it out on a lower rung. But sometimes I think we are handed this gift in part because our character is trusted enough to hold it—and we can either "be like the light" as we lead the way, or we can bulldoze our way through like a dark storm, eyes fixed on the destination and not on being a beacon for others along the path.

family matters

2009-07-13T16:22:00.007-04:00

I have just spent an entire week on vacation with family and have been continually thanking God ever since for this gift He saw fit to bless us with. I was blissfully disconnected for seven straight days (and for someone who usually carries her phone with her everywhere and checks e-mails constantly, it always surprises me how easily and happily I can let go while on vacation!). But I know this is because the moment I step into that place with them, nothing else matters. Spending time with family is so special and significant, not just for catching up and maintaining the relationships, but also simply for the love shared between us and the renewal of the spirit that it cultivates. It reminds us all of who we are and where we come from, and it provides a safe place to give of yourself and to receive. It encompasses so many moments when words and gifts and material things are not only unnecessary but totally superfluous. God truly wrapped us up in His presence this week, and allowed us to savor and enjoy His provisions and His love for us in the form of our family. I cannot even begin to comprehend how any of us could have ended up so blessed as to have one another. One truth I have landed on is that our family is an absolute legacy, and we have built upon the foundations of those who set the tone before us. A sentiment popped in my mind the other night when I said the blessing, that we are each just living reflections of all that God created our grandparents to be—all the grandparents represented in that room and especially my dad's parents who began our annual Rea/Freeman beach-trip tradition. Their beliefs and standards as people and for raising their children was passed on through the way our parents raised us, and is now being passed on to the way my sister and cousins are raising their own families. It's just one of the many reasons I love so much the fact that God's word and promises never change and have never changed, that He wants for us what He wanted for them, and no amount of change in the world around each coming generation can ever make what He has established any different.

It was also a perfect week to have started the book Through Gates of Splendor (which now just so happens to be the best book I have ever read), told through the minds and hearts of an extremely special group of people from my grandparents' generation. Something about that generation—born in the early '20s, my age in the '40s—just really strikes a chord with me, and hearing narrator Elisabeth Elliot's voice was almost like hearing Grandma's... The story is that of five husbands and wives, devoted to each other and to lives based on Biblical truths and obedience to God as they set out to become missionaries in Ecuador. Not only is the story itself amazing, but the way Elliot tells it—including passages from each of the men's journals—is so well-written that I was underlining quotes on nearly every page! Every word is extraordinary: The set-up of each of the five men, where they came from and what they were like; the daily nuances of living a life of Christian faith, spending time with God and discerning His will, and the relationships with their wives; the struggles and realities of the decision to become full-time missionaries; the hearts they developed for a stone-age tribe of feared and murderous Indians and the inspired decision to befriend them in order to share the Gospel; the pioneering, bravery, trust, obedience and progress made in reaching out to these Indians, and the eventual tragedy of all five men being speared to death as a final result; the faith of the five widows left behind to go back to the tribe, forgive them, live among them, and eventually lead them to Christ—the same men who killed their husbands! Although I know the way the story ends, having seen the film End of the Spear and the documentary Beyond Gates of Splendor, I can't WAIT to finish the last quarter of the book that I have yet to read. Beyond the story itself, it also just makes me think of my own story and my own family, the "generations of demonstrations" they have been to me and the kind of legacy I want to extend to my own children (and even beyond that, through written word). God has been so faithful to so many people, as countless as stars in the sky, even those without perfect families (which, in truth, is all of us!). But the big uniting family is that of Christian brothers and sisters. We are all at the table together every day! He is just so good to us—I can hardly imagine there is better and more waiting for us with Him. (And yet there is!)

Lord, thank you. Help me to keep my focus on You as I slide back in the routine of my life and to not become consumed with anything outside of Your will for me. Thank You for family and for the linking legacies passed down to my generation. Let us not forget what they worked for, what they wanted for us, and what You want for us. Help us to cherish the memories made and stay better connected throughout the year. Lead us each separately and as a family, and allow us the courage and willingness to openly encourage one another in faith. Reveal Yourself to us, and help us acquire the ability to savor Your peace and Your presence even and especially when things are challenging and chaotic. Help us honor You by stewarding the blessings You have entrusted us with. We love You and are filled with gratitude.

instant motive-sanitizer (with aloe) - compare to Purell

2009-06-18T11:21:00.004-04:00

I keep getting stuck on this concept of having pure motives. I have started to stop and think about my motives first before I do something "good." I have to ask what is really behind my desire to do it—affirmation? Reputation? Accolade? What is my first reaction to doing something good—patting myself on the back? Immediately telling someone about it (either in conversation, through e-mail or, hey, even blogging)? Checking it off a personal, feel-good to-do list? I want to be coming from a pure place when I act according to the Bible, so I have to be careful that what I do is not simply to keep up a "holy facade." Deep down I know I don't deserve any praise for anything. God provides both the ability and the opportunities to do His will, and although it is a good thing when I act on them and choose to walk with Him, I would be walking a treadmill of good deeds without Him—that is, getting nowhere. Yes, I know all this deep down... but are these truths what really drive the thoughts behind my actions (at least most of the time)?

This theme first popped up in my head last year, particularly when I was trying to discern if going to Africa was just something I wanted to do or something God was calling me to do. I began wanting to have authenticity behind EVERY action I took. I reflected on praying "behind closed doors" and doing things anonymously, without shouting from the rooftops to others about what I had done. ("But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." Matthew 6:6) I started to ask myself, OK, would you still do this good deed if no one in the world ever even knows about it? If only God knows? Is this honestly to glorify God and nothing else? One thing I began to do was to stop getting receipts when I dropped things off at Good Will. (I wanted to make sure that when I kept going back, it was solely for the right reasons alone.) I donated anonymously to a friend's mission trip. Any and all else I was already doing, I examined my motives behind them. But I had to wonder—are our actions ever completely pure? Are these things I do just to make me feel like I have done something right in God's eyes? And then what about Paul's letter to the Philippians where he says that whether out of good intentions or bad, he could rejoice because either way, Jesus was being preached? Does that, in turn, mean the results can be more important than the sincerity behind them?

In any case, lately I have been checking and re-checking my motives with something, and my obsession with it makes me wonder—am I doing all this "second guessing" because I truly just want to be coming from a pure place, or does it mean I am not fully trusting God with this situation? Or is it simply the devil trying to put doubting thoughts in my head?

Ultimately, I've had to land on the truth that God is in control, His Spirit will guide us, and if we make ourselves available to do His work, He will either meet us there or show us a new door. I am reminded of the quote "What would you attempt if you knew you would not fail?" But I change it up a bit: "What would you attempt if you truly believed God and trusted Him?"

This new "deed" I am endeavoring to begin will have positive results, I am almost certain. But the feeling that I have to constantly check my motives causes me to lose confidence sometimes. I start to ask myself: Could this all just be a show, to make people think of me in a certain way? When I think and pray through this and start to feel more convinced that, yes, I just simply desire to do this good thing for someone else, then these other nasty questions arise: "Will I really make a difference?" and "Am I really the right person for this?" Ultimately, I realize I have not been trusting God for it. Why would it not be right if God chose for this person and myself to cross paths when I was literally praying for it to happen? And if He planned this out with a purpose in mind, as I believe He may have done, I need only to trust His decision—not question my role in it or my ability to see it through. So my prayer is to have a healthy dose of keeping my motives in check while not letting the scrutiny of my intentions keep me from surrendering the situation to Him. I also want to strengthen my relationship with Him in order to have good deeds and pure motives flow out of me naturally, from His love for me first. Not as an experiment but a life change. I also really want to constantly think of her as a person and not as a project ("God still deals with individual people." ~Sara Groves) And again, I keep this quote in mind: "Our ability is not as important as our availability." It is always God's ability that works through us when we do good works—our job is to simply be available for Him to use us. And hopefully, one day, as my relationship with Him continues to get stronger and closer, and I am able to hear His voice more clearly than anything else, any self-centered motives will continue to get smaller and more obscure. And I can learn to trust him whole-heartedly...

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." ~Psalm 139:23-34

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." ~2 Corinthians 10:5

new life, new lessons

2009-06-10T20:34:00.011-04:00

I'm still reeling from the birth of my new little nephew, James Gary Butler! The pace of last week was completely reversed at 4:30 a.m. on Sunday morning when I got the call that Mom and Dad were heading to the hospital because Sarah was in labor! I jumped out of bed, got ready quickly, packed an overnight bag and hit the road. I later found out that her water broke at 1 a.m., just two hours after Trey was leaving Raleigh! He and the team had flown in from Guatemala that night, and we practically passed each other on I-40, short for a few a hours. Sarah had a hard labor and delivery (16 hours' worth!), but then it was over, and James came into the world at 5:18 p.m. on Sunday. He is completely precious!!! I could have held him all night. It was so hard to fathom he was just inside Sarah's belly. It was almost unbelievable to think that there was now a whole other life in the room, a new little person seeing the world for the first time! I just sat and stared at him, watching him sleep, trying to decipher what features looked like which parent, and being sheerly fascinated by him and each little breath he took. One time I looked at him and simply said, "Who will you be?" He was pure potential and whole-hearted love. And as he grows, soon he will be silly wonderful. There is an absolute joy I feel when looking at James' pictures now, and it is all I can do to wait and see him again! He changes the way I look at everything.

I have never loved someone or anything as instantly as I did James. I hadn't even know him but for a few hours, and yet I could barely stand the thought of leaving him the next day! Sarah looked beautiful and happy, and I couldn't have been more proud of her. There aren't really enough (or rather good enough) words to describe the whole experience. As much as I would love to sit down and write a really meaningful, all-encompassing poem about James or aunthood or the example Sarah has been or the way a new baby in the family makes you come a little closer to understanding God's unconditional love for all of His children, the words just don't stand a chance of measuring up. So I guess there will have to be a lot left unsaid.

One moment at the hospital that struck me in particular was when Sarah mentioned that James always opens his eyes and looks for her whenever she speaks. Julia told her that's because hers is the only voice he knows. It's the one he has heard over and over for the past several months, and the only one he recognizes out of all the other voices in the room. I had been reading through the book of John all last week, and I immediately thought of chapter 10 in which Jesus refers to himself as the Good Shepherd. He knows His sheep, and they know Him, and when He goes ahead they follow Him. This is not out of force or obligation but because they know His voice. They are comfortable with Him and follow this familiar voice because they trust it, just in the way James knew Sarah—he recognized her voice. It was powerful to make that connection there in the hospital room, but it also convicted me about listening and discernment. I hope that I can so clearly know what God is telling me when I have to make any decisions simply by knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is the voice of the Spirit. If He knew all of us before we were born, when we were "wonderfully and fearfully made," then I think we must have somehow known Him then, too—and we continue to hear His voice throughout our lives if only we choose to listen...

When I left Raleigh the next night, I drove straight to Trey's condo to see him and hear about his trip. As much as I had wanted to go to Guatemala originally, I was truly so excited for him and what he got to experience. I don't know if I have ever seen him on such a spiritual high. There are things he did and ways in which he grew that I don't even know about yet. We do so many things at church together and have moved, it seems, at the same pace in our spiritual walks these last couple years, so it is truly amazing to see how his personal walk is shaped and strengthened without me. He said they built five homes for widows; fed 450 orphans; handed out vitamins and minerals to 175 elementary students; visited and distributed school supplies and toys to an orphanage; gave shoes, coloring books, crayons, kites, soccer balls and more to orphans; gave food, supplies and Bibles to widows; and led AT LEAST one widow to Christ (that they know of)!!!!! Pretty incredible for one week, that's for sure. I was so happy to see him and could have listened to stories about the trip all night if we both didn't need as much sleep as we did. It is just so cool that we as people get to be a part of God's movement like that. I know there will be more chances to go to Guatemala, and right now I'm not even worried about exactly when that will be. As God has proven, He is in control and He knows what's best.

Last week, while sitting where God had placed me, slowly watching the time creep on, I began to slowly learn how to simply rely on Him. Despite not being in Guatemala or not having a nephew yet that I had been so anxiously waiting for, I actually felt extremely spiritually filled, right where I was. He never promises we'll always get what we want—but He promises to be with us always. And with our self-centered focus and desires much of the time, I think we must all come to a point when we realize that He is enough. He is all we need.

One more thing about last week is that I think it really helped prepare me for this week, to put me in the mindset that, in the words of John, "I must become less, He must become more." I have had the absolute tremendous privilege of sitting back and watching God work in two people I dearly love. It has been so humbling and such a blessing. If I had only been worried about me or obsessed with self-pity, I would have missed this opportunity to just observe. Come to find out, it's not always all about action or being the one God decides to use. I am just as grateful to have people in my life that I can watch and learn from, delighting in the joys of their experiences (or, as with James, fall completely in love!). Like the disciples whose roles sometimes were honestly just to hang out with Jesus, I can be content in whatever direction or speed God is guiding my life to go as long as I fully embrace the decision to follow Him. If that means "go," I will more than gladly go. If that means "rest," I will rest in Him. If that means "wait," I will trust in His timing. I'm not perfect, but these are things I aspire to, fervently and intentionally.

OK, I've just packed in some seriously condensed reflections on lots of different things... All in all, here's to mine and Trey's personal walks with Jesus, as well as the way we, at the same time, encourage each other along and make our walks better and stronger collectively. And here's to long lovely moments of savoring the presence of my beautiful nephew, whom I just can't get enough of! To a strong and amazing sister and a blessed-beyond-belief family. To learning from all seasons in life, even the ones that surprise you. And to our God who created it all and makes it all possible out of His infinite love for us. To Him be the glory.

sitting, waiting, wishing

2009-06-05T08:51:00.006-04:00

This week has been one full of anticipation and patience... and prayer.

For one, I am missing Trey like crazy since he left for Guatemala! The team left on Saturday and will get back tomorrow night. I don't know why this time has been harder than the last time he went without me, but I have really been struggling with not seeing him or talking to him every day. I started really feeling it on Monday (just Monday! Just two days later!), and Wednesday I was just plain sad. But at the same time, I am so incredibly full of joy. The team has spent this entire week building houses for widows and feeding orphans and spreading the Gospel among a wonderful, beautiful, friendly people. Yesss, what an awesome mission! I am so excited for them and what they are doing there, what they are learning, how they might be growing, and the seeds they are planting among the Guatemalans... who may one day (how I hope!) come to Christ. I am really thrilled for them and have been convicted of my own selfishness for wanting to be a part of it and for wishing I could talk to Trey. What a pouty moper I can be! What they are doing in Guatemala is God's work for God's glory, and that is a perspective I have tried so hard to keep. I don't think I have ever prayed so much for a team as a sender! They are in my prayers morning and night (literally!). I have also called Rosemary's 82-year-old mother the past three nights in a row to check in on her (Rosemary, who is also on this trip, normally calls her every single day), and I pray with her over the phone before we hang up. She is so sweet, and I know we both really appreciate the conversation, as we both have people we love in Guatemala that we are used to talking to every day... And then last night I also met with our other sender, Jasara, to pray for the team, knowing that when two or more are gathered in His name, there He will be also (Matthew 18:20). I know that our prayers will be heard and felt, and I can't wait to hear all about the team's experiences! Just like having to leave James in Africa and learning how to love someone from far away through prayer, it is the same with this. My prayers are all I have to offer when I'm not with Trey, so I will be faithful in lifting them up!

The other source of great anticipation is the fact that Sarah, my sister, is due on Sunday! It's been an ongoing period of waiting for the past nine months, and yet the past couple weeks have really been dragging as the time draws near. I am so excited to meet my nephew!!! I spent some time with Sarah and Brad in Raleigh last weekend, and it was my last visit before the baby arrives. I can't even fathom how much life is going to change in just a short time from now. I have been so amazed and impressed with Sarah throughout this whole process: going to her doctor's visits, carrying a baby with barely a complaint, and always seeming so calm when we talk or e-mail. It has been great for me to see her go through this like a champ because, for me personally, pregnancy is kind of terrifying. She is truly lighting the way, and what an awesome gift she'll receive at the end of it! I lift her and the baby up in prayer as well, and I know God is blessing them with safety, health, protection and His presence.

Through all this waiting and prayer, I am reminded of My One Word for the year: rest. I have had a lot of alone time this week as my roommate is also away, traveling for work. (For someone who is "on the go" as much as me, it's amazing how much "rest" can be present at the same time.) But I think it has actually been good for me in order to become more dependent on God. Is that what my word is all about? Generally I do just fine on my own—always have. But it has been really difficult when I just want to go and do (Guatemala) or see and experience (my nephew), and I think ultimately it all comes down to being patient with God's timing and trusting in His sovereignty. He has lifted me up and filled me up even when I felt lonely this week, and I look forward to hanging out with Him each night as I have been taking my own journey—through the Gospel of John.

Rest, dependency, patience, trust, provision: These have all been themes for me this week as I feel like God has purposefully kept me in one place, forcing me to wait on Him for what I need. Trey and the team will be safe in their travels without me there, the work will be (and certainly can be) done without me. The baby will be born in God's perfect timing—instant gratification almost never yields true appreciation anyway. So I wait, wait and wait.. and learn to be satisfied in Him always.

bottom line

2009-06-04T21:53:00.003-04:00

I receive BottomLine Connection (a PIONEERS-USA publication) in the mail and enjoying flipping through it to check out all the "news" within the PIONEERS missions organization. The Spring 2009 edition I got recently was really good, and I especially enjoyed the letter from the president (Steve Richardson) inside the front cover. I just thought I'd share because I think it offers some solid encouragement for all of us:

"This is a very exciting time to be involved in global mission. Three things in particular encourage my heart. First, the global economic downturn is forcing God's people back to the basics. We are being reminded that life is not primarily about 'things that can be seen, but things that cannot be seen' (2 Cor. 4:18). Many of us are simplifying our lives, refocusing our passions, and returning to a bedrock of prayer and faith.

"Second, the global mission movement is rapidly gaining momentum. More and more in my travels, I am meeting missionaries from Latin America, Africa or Asia who are zealously pioneering new ministries among the least reached. They serve with a simple yet powerful faith. These people simply cannot be stopped, and their numbers are growing!

"Third, I find the variety and creativity of modern missions to be breathtaking. You'll se a few examples in this issue of BottomLine Connection. The gifting of God's people is being unleashed like never before! I feel like we are witnessing a second Reformation as the body of Christ rediscovers the 'missionhood of the believer.'

"Don't let the doom and gloom in today's news fool you. We are first and foremost citizens of heaven, not citizens of this world. I for one am grateful to be a witness and participant in the advancement of today's real news—'Aslan is on the move.'

"Grateful for your partnership, Steve Richardson."

three's company

2009-05-26T21:09:00.014-04:00

The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

I heard it my whole life, and yet I never fully "got" the last part of the Trinity. I always wondered if they were three equal parts, why is it that I did not hear as much about the third? Why did I not understand it as much as the first two? Yes, maybe it was a denomination thing (I was raised Presbyterian), but I'm going to set that idea aside because I gained a tremendous foundation for my faith under my upbringing in the Presby church family, and instead focus on the awesome reality that I'm starting to get it. For the past couple years, really, I've learned more and more about this mysterious third player, who always seemed to me like a bench warmer rather than one of the star players—if I can be completely honest here. Speaking of honesty, I will admit I did not know the whole concept of the Spirit first being present when Jesus rose from the dead and ascended to heaven, leaving His spirit behind for all of us here once He left. And I did not know the concept of the Spirit dwelling in each of us, that we are literally walking temples who house it within us. Maybe I was not paying attention. Maybe I never asked, or maybe nobody ever told me. But I sure am glad that God took matters into His own hands.

Just this past weekend I was talking about this very thing, and I confessed regret for lacking a comprehensive knowledge of the Trinity for so long. I said something that I only realized as it was coming out of my mouth. "I didn't study it or learn it from someone, but I think I started to understand it naturally, as it happened to me and I experienced it for myself." For example, like I've said before, what the secular world calls a conscience is the believer's recognition of the Holy Spirit. Or that God's Word, the Bible, truly is alive and active—it speaks to us as we read, certain parts seeming to leap off the page when there are things God needs to say to us.

And then there are experiences like this past Sunday night.

Trey and I gave our Kenya presentation to my cousin Barrett's youth group, and I can only say that the Spirit was heavily present in that room. There was such an obvious spark being lit as they asked questions and connected to our group discussion after we were finished presenting. It was amazing to see that when Barrett asked this group of middle- and high-schoolers at the end if any of them felt like they might have a heart for missions, almost every single hand was raised.

The most overwhelmingly awesome part was talking to one girl who stayed behind, a 17-year-old who felt compelled to be totally open and honest with us and share that her faith was not strong at all... that she didn't even know if Christianity is what she believes in. I could take an hour describing that time we spent with her, encouraging her and letting her know it is OK to question and doubt—something she said no one had ever told her before—but I will have to condense. We told parts of our own testimonies, and even encouraged the exploration of learning about different religions but remained absolutely firm in our own beliefs that Jesus is the Savior of the world. It was at that point she asked, "But how do you KNOW that?" Barrett had given her lots of background on Christianity itself and all these facts that can be learned, but this was the point at which it always seems to come, when you can know all there is to know, but it requires something more in order to believe... and so he answered her, "Faith." And that is where we began to describe our encounters with the Holy Spirit.

After a long time of powerful and meaningful sharing, we all circled up and prayed with this girl, who by the end of the conversation said she had never felt stronger in her faith. With tears in every one of our eyes, we each took a moment to thank God aloud and, at least for me, to savor the presence of a very present Holy Spirit.

Then back home this morning, I had a doctor's appointment to have blood drawn. Believe me, this is totally one of my worst fears. I get so anxious about it, knowing how horrible it makes me feel with the way I lose the color in my face and become completely weak and extremely squeamish to the point of passing out. The last time I went, in fact, I passed out four different times! So this time before I went, I prayed. I gave my apprehension to God and asked that the Spirit empower me to get through this. I can't say I did not get queasy and light-headed, but I never once felt like I would actually pass out. And the bad feeling didn't last nearly as long. I know the Spirit was in the room with me, His presence simultaneously giving me peace and power. I am realizing that the Spirit is made known in big powerful moments, like with the girl in Barrett's youth group, as well as in the smaller, simpler requests like this that can seem so unworthy of calling on Him for. I'm learning that it is always present, if only we can make ourselves available to tune in...

I think God definitely works in themes sometimes, and it seems pretty obvious that this is one for me right now. I think about my friend Emily in Guinea a lot, and wonder how she can be so far away from her home and family for so long without becoming terribly homesick. This weekend we also mentioned my other cousin and his wife and girls moving to a completely new state and wondering if they miss home. And my own roommate will be reluctantly traveling herself through the end of June with her job as a CRA. But as I think about the concept of the Spirit inside us, I have to think... If home is where the heart is, and God is in your heart, then home is everywhere. We never have to worry about being homesick if He is with us (except if it is for our true home, which is in Heaven with him forever). When we say He is "with us always," it is not a flippant, vague statement. It is a truth I hope all believers can fully grasp.

And wouldn't you know I checked online today to see what new series started this past Sunday at my church here in Wilmington (which I missed while in Boone), and it is all about the Holy Spirit—who He is and who He is not. There are so many facets to Him that I know I still don't know about, and there were a lot of different points Pastor Mike made. I can't wait to go through the five weeks of this series and just absorb, to learn all I possibly can about the workings of the Spirit. And I really can't wait to pass that on to others who may not know or realize it yet, just like I once did not... because I am convinced there is absolutely nothing like the joy of the Spirit once you realize it's already there, having made a home in your heart...

keeping in step

2009-05-19T15:27:00.008-04:00

Two steps forward, three steps back. That's just how it is sometimes. And it can be so frustrating.

What is it with losing things so much quicker than they are gained? I think it is a natural human tendency, albeit an ugly one. We work so hard over the course of two weeks to earn a pay check, and then just like that we can blow it over a big, unnecessary purchase. We are dedicated to working out at the gym every day and finally make some progress, yet it seems like it takes no time at all to plummet right back in the other direction. Trust is slowly and cautiously gained within relationships but dropped completely at the first sign of dishonesty or deceit. Believers right in our own churches who seem so close to God can suddenly find themselves right back in a state of searching, seemingly out of nowhere. Why is it so hard to gain and yet so easy to fall back? It seems counterintuitive to the idea that as we learn, we progress. If we learn so much through all of our life experiences, then where does walking backwards fit in with a journey of growth? And is this really just a fleshly characteristic, or is it a choice? Does it result from fear, convenience, selfishness...?

I don't know the answers to these questions, but I see it happen sometimes, and I have to wonder: If we can't know where it comes from (this growth reversal, this reverting to the past), can there at least be a method of prevention?

When it comes to our spiritual lives, I know that doubts exist and sins happen all the time. We are sinners for sure. But can the life of a Christian always be continuously forward-moving? I don't necessarily think habit is the answer... We can do our devotions and Bible study at the same exact time every day, include all the same people and problems in our prayers, and keep a rotating schedule of church activities on our calendars, but even out of the best intentions these things can become just a part of our routines—more mind set, less heart change. So then what else... Is Philippians 4:8 truly possible at all times? The fact that if we just don't think any other way, we won't act any other way? Or maybe the best prevention could be to surround ourselves with other believers, using accountability as a wedge against the world...

It is sad to see someone turn back around, become distracted, slow down and rethink what they have gained compared to the feel-good ease of what they once left behind. It is sad when it happens to me. Most of all, I think, because it hinders our relationship with God and His purposes for us, wonderful purposes that we don't even have to earn but are ours to accept. That being said, I think the only way to keep moving forward is to follow in the footsteps of the One who leads the way. Keep the relationship going, growing, alive and meaningful, and doing the right thing or "being a good Christian" will not be obligation or guilt-motivated or even a self-serving, prideful way to show others how righteous and "humble" we can be. We will move forward because we want to, because we can see no other way, because we live to please the Lord, all for His glory. Because He pursues us in return.

Our relationship with Him is so central. We can take steps in right the direction only by keeping in step with Him. We can even stumble along the way (and will!), but we are called to get up and keeping facing ahead, lending a hand to help others up around us. At some point, yes, it absolutely has to be a conscious choice. But the miracle occurs when our thoughts and actions are the result of a heart transformation, when we don't even blink an eye in the face of evil and sin and doubt, often wrapped up in the least likely (and most enticing) of skins. But here's the thing: It never feels right when God isn't in it. What the secular world calls a conscience is the believer's recognition of the Holy Spirit. And we can either embrace it or defy it. But what I believe God does, once He captures our hearts and draws us close to Him, is make that recognition even more clear, something harder and harder to ignore, less like the elephant in the room and more like a beacon in the darkness. The worst thing we as Christians can do when others turn back is to judge or shun or become intolerable—we have to help each other keep moving toward this light. Regardless. No matter what. And one step at a time.

("Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit." ~Galatians 5:25)

food for thought

2009-05-08T15:44:00.006-04:00

Outward-focused
Revolutionary
God-centered
Apostolic
Naturally expansive
Inspired
Christ-following

Creative
Humble
Uninstitutional (in that life change happens at community level)
Relationship-nuturing
Catalyst for transformation
Heart for the lost

He will provide.

2009-05-06T16:11:00.020-04:00

As a child growing up in a very small town in southeastern North Carolina, I spent a lot of time at my grandparents’ house—just a yard’s length and a couple luscious grapevines away. A particularly capacious room in my memories still preserves the vibe of their kitchen: warm, welcoming and awash with the smells of home-cooked meals, diligently prepared by my grandmother. It was often a gathering place for family dinners, where you could always find sweet tea in the fridge and elbows off the table—well, most of the time.

It seems that for as long as I can remember, while moseying through that kitchen when it wasn’t “feeding time,” I always noticed these two magnets on the refrigerator. One was the soft pink face of a pig with a tag that read: “He who indulges, bulges.” The second was a magentic to-do list, lined with space to fill in all that lay ahead that week. The first line of each page was pre-printed to say: “1. Feed the poor.”

It is how I came to think my grandmother—and still do. She had a lot going on, many passions, interests and obligations, but she always put others first. Other than family, she made it her top priority to serve others. One thing she participated in was Meals on Wheels, and she is the embodiment of how I have pictured that program for years (with a certain picture in my head of Grandma on some kind of little scooter, smile on her face and hurrying around to get everyone in the community a little something to eat).

Yesterday I actually got the opportunity to participate in Meals on Wheels myself, on a self-made assignment to write about the program in the magazine I work for, tagging along with one Mrs. Dale Wright of the Tuesday Route A in Castle Hayne. Dale’s kind-hearted, gentle nature became my new face to put with the program—although, this time, I was about to discover those behind delivery doors.

Funny thing about getting involved with such a well-known, respected program like this. There is no one there to greet you and congratulate you for your outstanding efforts. No reporter to take down your name and make sure that what you're doing gets documented in the daily paper. And although the glorious fulfillment in your heart is worth more than any gold or riches, it is all actually quite unglamorous—the purest forms of giving most always are. The hot and cold meals fit inside temperature-preserving coolers in Dale's trunk, and we had a list of about 15 different names and addresses to deliver to within a two-hour timeframe. Dale is the retired wife of one of the part-owners of the company I work for, and she has been wheelin' meals for over three years now. Sometimes I can't wait to retire and become a full-time volunteer...

We began our journey deep into parts of town I have never seen or dared to venture. I have served in various poorer sections of town for other things, but they are all always different—and always shocking to witness, sitting right next to upscale neighborhoods and watching patiently as they are ignored day after day... Dale told me stories of the different "clients" she's had over the years, mostly seniors with low incomes or poor health, who don't get around well and have no family nearby to help them out. She radiated sheer compassion. We set about our task on a mission, long dirt road after another. Some of the trailers we entered were so full of stuff, stacked up everywhere and making it hard to move about. The clients were usually sitting in a recliner, alone except for maybe a cat or two, watching TV or smoking or just sitting. There were strange smells, and Dale told me there were a few people on the list that some volunteers simply said they would not deliver to because of the stench.

"At one house I used to have, I could already detect the strong smell of urine a few yards before I even got to the front door," she said. "But I couldn't imagine just refusing to deliver to him like the other volunteers. I could certainly stand a few minutes of a bad smell if it means he got a meal that day, if I was the only person he got to see all day." Dale said she later learned the smell wasn't urine at all—it was gangrene, from an infected, untreated foot.

In spite of their conditions, the people we saw were incredibly appreciative, and I was so humbled to discover the strong faiths among many of them. "This, too, shall pass," said one lady's daughter, a middle-aged woman who was witnessing her mom's slow surrender to a stroke and the particular loss of dignity that comes with relying on the delivery a meal. These sweet older men and women—confined to their dilapidated homes and some without a soul in the world to call on or have over to visit—had a certain spirit among them, one that ignited upon the simple gesture of a smile that said "You are worthy of love, and I care."

Dale said she always "talked flowers" with one particular lady on our route, and despite the obvious neglect of her home, she did have a nice little yard with all kinds of flowers. One bush along the side of the house had brilliant blooms of pink, red and orange roses. She called it the Joseph's Coat Climbing Rose, for Joseph's coat of many colors. We gave her a prepared meal of well-balanced nutrition and chatted a while before leaving. I found myself not wanting to leave these people. I wanted to talk to them, pray with them, visit. Back in the car, Dale stopped before pulling completely out of the flower lady's driveway when a small weed caught her eye. "I LOVE that light purple color!" she exclaimed in her soft yet delightful Southern accent. "It's a weed, but I think that is my favorite color." She proceeded to tell me about a cartoon she saw once as a child wherein a mother was about to do away with a bunch weeds that had grown up in her yard. Her young daughter stopped her, appalled. "Mom, the dandelions are so beautiful!" she said. And the mom relented saying, "You know; you're right. It doesn't matter whether you call it a weed or flower. They ARE beautiful." With that impromptu little story, I think I caught a glimpse of the quintessential servant in Dale, seeing people not as inconveniences or labels, but as beautiful beings worthy of notice and love...

Near the end of our route, Dale discovered with dismay that we had been shorted two meals, due to a miscount on the packaging end. We walked up to the Gaines' residence, where Mr. and Mrs. Gaines would soon learn there was only one meal being delivered for the two of them. Looking up at us from her little kitchen table, Mrs. Gaines smiled and said, "I am just so thankful for what you've brought." I can barely fathom the brave and gracious depths from which she lifted that statement.

With one lady left on our route and no more meals in the trunk, Dale decided we should definitely ride out there and at least let her know, (after making a quick call to see if someone could possibly prepare another meal and bring it to her soon). Ms. Thalia Grady was slow in answering the door, using a walker to get there and greet us. "Hey there!" she said, friendly but with a hint of sadness and a slight grimace. "I'm sorry it took me so long. I opened the freezer yesterday, and something heavy fell out and broke my toe."

"Ms. Thalia, we have some bad news..." Dale began, and she quickly explained to her what had happened.

"Oh... Well. I'll figure something out...." Ms. Thalia looked so defeated for a moment that I just wanted to step forward and hug her, but she raised her weary head and continued. "I think I might have some bananas on the counter. I'll be OK—the Lord will provide. I won't go hungry. He will take care of me." Dale replied to her that if a meal doesn't come later, she would go pick up something herself. "If you do, that is wonderful," Ms. Thalia said, "but don't worry yourself to death about it if you don't. It is a beautiful day, and I should rejoice and be glad in it. The Lord will provide."

That perspective of provision is something I can only hope to possibly attain one day. Because, to be honest, if I were in her position, I have to wonder if I would have the trust to say such a thing. It sure does make me wonder: If I lost everything I have in this world, all that I think completes me, saves me or makes me who I am, material possessions as well as people, what would I have left? I hope I would know that I have my relationship God, that He is all I need, the provider of all I need and am and lack and hope for. It is so far beyond my scope of understanding how big a God we serve. He is so intricately involved in each one of our lives that He treats us all like an only child. He is so deeply invested in each one of us that He knows our needs and exactly how to meet them. There is no one too lost or broken for Him to redeem, no one too far or too alone for Him reach, no one too bad off for Him to love deeply and wholeheartedly. None of us are weeds in His garden—and even when we think we have reached our lowest of lows, He will provide.

arrival mode

2009-05-04T15:23:00.009-04:00

I was so excited to get an e-mail update not too long ago from my friend Emily in Guinea (West Africa). She is helping with an amazing literacy project, living and working among a secluded tribe with a spoken-only language, one that the missionaries are working to decipher, create an alphabet for, and teach, so they can eventually present these people with the gospel! Emily is in her early 30s and was a speech therapist here in Wilmington. She was my small-group leader and just like any of the rest of us—except that she got this call from God, and she answered it. A part of her e-mail that struck me—although it's something we all already know but don't always really think about—said:

"I am adjusting to village life slowly but surely. It is exactly what you would picture a African village to look like. Little mud houses and huts with grass roofs. Palm trees everywhere. People and animals everywhere with all sorts of things on their heads and babies on their backs! I can not get over how much they can carry on their heads! Everybody is cooking over an open fire. They are constantly working for the next meal, retrieving fire wood, water, palm nuts etc. Always in survival mode. These people are so strong and beautiful."

Survival mode all the time. Think about that. How desperately exhausting it must be. It also got me thinking about how some of the most poverty-stricken places in the world do at least have a church or strong faith in SOMETHING. Like the saying goes, "You never know that God is all you've got until God is all you've got." Like what I wrote in an earlier post, we here in prosperity land can develop a somewhat lackluster faith because all our basic needs are met—therefore we feel we don't need Him. So I was thinking about this constant survival-mode thing, when people have no idle time to do anything but work to see that their basic needs are met, and I remembered something our pastor here said recently. Paraphrasing, he said:

"We become like what it is we give our attention to. If we are constantly seeking what's next, what's quick, what I can get now... then no wonder we are such an ADD nation!"

I think the side effects to this can be extremely detrimental, especially in so many American towns where people have so much relative free time (compared to constant survival mode) that we end up just finding things to fill our time that have no significant spiritual weight at all. Not only do we let our faith slip to the wayside, but we actually become like what we give our attention to, eventually looking to people and relationships simply to get something, to find out their "status" and move along quickly before we "miss out" on what's coming up next from all the technological orifices that surround us, these things that become like a surrogate mother who feeds our "need" for information and instant gratification. The unspoken question is, will we lose our capacity to appreciate if we only focus on what's next, what's next, what's next...? Or, worse, our ability to turn off the world and tune in to God?

I'm definitely not saying that being in constant survival mode is better or what we need over here, and I'm not saying I am any better than anyone else when it comes to the vices of what I allow to devour my attention span. I can lose an hour of life on Yahoo Mail and Facebook like the best of them. (I had pilgrims and turkeys "thrown" at me at Thanksgiving, and the other day a notification read: "You have a marriage proposal waiting for you!" Really, has life really become this bizarre?? And, worse, it is really what I let get top priority?) But I recognize the danger in these seemingly innocent actions, as well as the scary truth that what becomes habit becomes comfortable...and eventually unquestioned.

So what I propose is that we question. Recognize. Defend. Start to document time "wasted" and time well spent. What feeds our ADD and what feeds our spirits? That we become disciplined in reversing a frightening trend of dwindling faith in communities all over this country, one person at a time. What if I can spend twice as much time in the word and in prayer as I am worried about making sure I keep up with everyone else's lives? If I give it to God and instead worry more about true quality time with others, while nourishing my own walk with Him? Is it possible? What would it look like if everyone started thinking this way? If instead we all began to function in constant "arrival mode"... His arrival is pending, and we are living as if we are totally unaware. If God saw fit to place me here, where I do not have to live in survival mode, why shouldn't I try to not be a slap in the face to those who are—and determine to live my life in arrival mode.

earth

2009-04-27T20:22:00.004-04:00

So, I actually got to go see earth this weekend in theaters, and can I just say it might be the best religious film of the year. Not that it was inherently Christian, but because of the spectacular showcase of God's creativity. He created everything on this planet, the original author of not just all things beautiful but beauty itself! With Earth Day just last week, I am still in the mindset that "how we treat creation reveals how we feel about the creator." As much as we should take care of ourselves as His creations, formed in His image, we should also show immense respect for the incredible environment He produced for us to inhabit!

But enough of a soapbox, and back to "earth" (no pun intended). So, I literally wanted to cry through the whole thing. Lifetime movies: give me a break. True-life animal sagas, on the other hand: I'm a mess! I can't even mention the baby elephants (although I guess I just did). But one of the many stories of the different animal families that really touched me was the mother and calf humpback whales (maybe this is because I am really a marine biologist at heart, having developed a heart for sea life at a young age and even saving up my allowance to adopt a whale when I was in fourth grade. Really. Princess Angeline off the coast of California. They used to send me updates, but they never did notify me when she died—that always kinda bothered me). Anyway, the mom has her baby in the tropics where it's all warm and fun ("a great place to raise kids," says narrator James Earl Jones). Only problem is, while the baby thrives off Mom's milk and plays like an eskimo on vacation in the Bahamas, the clear waters provide no food for the mom—so she has nothing to eat. Once her baby gets strong enough, she must lead him over 4,000 miles to the Southern seas near Antarctica (during its "summer" season, although it's still pretty stinkin' cold) to find food. That's half the globe! It is THE longest migration of any species on Earth. To top it all off, the mom is practically starving, and they encounter rough seas and predators along the way. When they hit some really rough seas—something completely new to the baby, who only knows he needs to follow Mom—it becomes harder and harder to swim, let alone stay close together. When the wind howls, and the waves are crashing in from all directions, the mama humpback whale and her calf float on their backs and flap their giant flippers on the surface of the water to keep track of each other and not get separated. And at this point comes one of the greatest lines of the film: "Through the stormy seas, the calf can hear her and knows she's there—it keeps him calm."

Right then I was reminded of a sermon Mike preached one Sunday about peace. His theory (that I have now adopted, too) is: "Peace is not the absence of conflict; peace is the presence of God." He reminded us that as long as we live in the world, there are going to be hard times: war, sin, death, all kinds of struggles. No one promised the absence of these things—in fact, the Bible tells us what to do when faced with trials, speaking under the assumption that we will have them at some point in our lives. So if conflict exists inevitably, then the concept of peace simply cannot operate under the definition of "the absence of conflict"—then there would never be peace! Peace, time and time again, is the sheer presence of God. Knowing He is there, right there with us and beside us, guiding us through the stormy waters, with our best interests at heart, knowing the place where He leads us is good. He makes his presence known to us in the storm, and we can rest with the peace of His sovereign, loving presence. We may not know why we are struggling, and our situations may be entirely new to us... but flap your flippers, friends. We'll swim in paradise one day.

both realities

2009-04-21T16:04:00.006-04:00

The guest house where we stayed in Kenya last August was simultaneously housing a group of African pastors on a retreat, and we were fortunate to bump into them during our first week there before they left. Pastor Titus was the first I met, and I remember thinking he was one of the kindest and friendliest people I had ever met. There was a peace about him and an unashamed way in which he freely spoke of the Bible. Having already met Pastor Jackson, the man behind the rescue of the 44 boys at the rehabilitation center we were visiting every day (one of whom, James Mugi, Trey and I sponsor), I was reminded again that there is so much good work happening within that continent, so many capable, loving and spiritually strong men of God working for His glory. I'll admit I often had the viewpoint that Africa needed saving, needed outsiders to come and fix everything, forgetting the fact that there are already native people there bringing others to God, who may not necessarily need our help getting something started as much as our spiritual encouragement and fellowship.

I ran into another pastor as I was walking back from the dining room to the stairs one night, heading for my room to get ready for bed. I wish I remembered his name—hopefully it is in my journal somewhere. But he stopped me just to thank me that we were all there, and I was surprised. I will never forget what he said: "We are so thankful when American missionaries come here. We love American missionaries. You come from so much and have so much, and yet you still profess to need Jesus. That makes your presence very powerful here."

It really shook my whole perspective and is something that has stuck with me ever since. I always somewhat assumed that people from other countries hate Americans. One look at our entertainment industry through the media or all the wealth we take for granted should be enough to make them sick. But our team coming from a "land of plenty" is exactly why he welcomed us. We didn't know what it is like to suffer in the same ways they have, and yet we still need Jesus. It's what makes our testimonies so powerful to them! It is easier to understand how one without basic needs would turn to a "higher power" for help, why the most desolate of communities always have a church there because their faith is all they've got. But when relatively prosperous Americans have strong faith, even when it seems we've got all we need, it almost proves in a way that Christ should be at the center of all our lives regardless of circumstance—what an awesome witness that I had never even thought of before!

It makes me wonder about Americans while we are here in America, going about our regular daily lives. When all of our basic needs are met, when we don't have to be in survival mode at all times, constantly working on having the resources for our next meal, we feel as though we have some control. We don't NEED God if we are comfortably taken care of. We'll go to church because it's a nice thing to do and it makes us feel good, but we only turn to Him in times of need—when we feel OUT of control. Like the illness of a loved one, a tragic accident, job loss, etc... And during the times in between, we have a lackluster relationship with God, basically telling him, "I've got this. You can go worry about other things. I'll believe in your power and invest in our relationship when I feel like I need to." We go to church on Sundays, rarely ever pray, never really think about what it means to be a Christian "between Sundays," and yet we get along OK, our lives are fairly in order. So we think we don't need Him. But I believe the opposite is true. And the reason we still get along OK, even when we stray from Him? Because He never stops holding on to us, even when we let go of Him. I can barely fathom that kind of unconditional love. So just think of the witness to our fellow Americans if we show others the way to be day by day: desperately in need of His mercy, grace, forgiveness, intercession, sovereignty, control and love at ALL times. If we were to stop and just say "thank you" before the simple indulgences of the most seemingly miniscule things. If we were to recognize that all we have is a gift from Him and not really ours. If we could take all of our many blessings to in turn be blessings to others...

I think I will probably always struggle with the concept of God being God of both realities: poverty-stricken, violence-laden, disease-infested places like Africa and the comfortably numb, lavishly rich in comparison places like where you and I might live. Granted there is tons of poverty right here in North Carolina, right here in Wilmington, but either way, the general notion that God exists and reigns in these two kinds of opposite environments is really a hard one to comprehend. But He is. And He does. And He was, and He is and is to come. He is big enough for it all, and that is one thing I know really rocked me on that trip: Seeing for my own eyes how incredibly huge He is, how He doesn't even need our help but yet invites us into His story, how He is doing things every day that we don't even know about and have no part of, how the God I prayed to there is the same exact one I pray to here. And both realities need Him, no matter what the surface may lead us to believe.

I remember my cousin Barrett asking me a couple days after my return what was the biggest "lesson" or thing I had taken away from my trip... and all I do was answer that God is so big. I was still in an awe-inspired, dumbfounded state from experiencing His all-out greatness, out of my comfort zone, where I leaned on Him for safety and protection, where I had seen Him work in places I had never dreamed I'd go. And my prayer is that I will never take it for granted, this place He has me in, the many blessings He somehow saw fit to bestow upon me, and the the way in which my life can inspire others just because I profess to need Him as my Saviour. What amazing grace He's given us. What an immensely enormous Father we serve...

meet me here

2009-04-08T16:10:00.012-04:00

Something interesting I have just recently noticed is a pattern to my praying. It doesn't happen like clockwork, but once I recognized doing it, I realized I do this a lot. Before I even start to speak to God in my head, I try to just get really still and quiet. To help me focus, the first thing I do is enlist His help by praying, "Meet me here." It's so hard to turn off the switch of a racing mind in a busy world, and although I may have been at home for a while or even checked off tons of to-do's, it can be really hard to suddenly stop thinking about everything else going on and give Him my full attention. And so I say to Him, "Meet me here." I picture all the stuff swirling around in my head and in life all around me funneling down as I feel His presence descend over the room. I don't want to start praying anything until I can feel Him there with me, helping my mind be filled with a singular focus and the room be cleared of anything but Him coming to sit with me for a bit to chat. I'm still working on what exactly it means to "pray without ceasing," but I do know that when I set aside my time for prayer, I want to be in it fully. (Maybe this is part of the evolution of my one word for 2009, "rest"...)

Not long after recognizing this pattern of mine, I was happy to hear Mike quote Larry Crabb in a sermon a couple weeks ago when he said, "We taste so little of the mouth-stopping, complaint-ending, desire-deepening awe that His presence creates when we think more about our problems and how to solve them than about meeting Him. We experience so little of the joy that sustains us in suffering and the hope that anchors us amid shattered dreams when we come to Him looking for the pathway out of hardships instead of the pathway into His presence."

And so I make a conscious effort not to pray only when I need something or want something or want God to change a situation. I get the "complaints" out of the way by talking through any struggles with Him and laying them at His feet for His sovereign will to be done. And then the real fun starts. Considering the fact that He alone has known exactly who I am since birth, exactly the plan for my life, exactly how I feel and what I'm going through, how every single experience has shaped me, I can talk to Him unlike anyone else—with freedom and familiarity and the total abandonment of pride! What I love is then to intercede for others: friends, family, loved ones, special requests for prayer I might hear throughout the day. Interestingly, even people that the world tells me I shouldn't favor make a way into my heart as I begin to see them as God sees them. And what's hard and wonderful at the same time is that I can love people who are far away by praying to God for them, knowing He hears me and cares for them, too. It's been such a humbling experience to learn how to love someone from far away simply through prayer, such as talking to God about James in Kenya or my small-group leader Emily in Guinea or my family in other cities. When prayer becomes a true connection, a real conversation with God, it makes all the difference in the world. I know He would rather me have this kind of authentic communication with Him rather than making sure I repeat a hurried, scripted prayer before meals without waiting for him to "meet me here," without even thinking... It's something I have really become more aware of I guess for almost two years now, and I find that really setting aside time for God (besides quiet time and reading the Bible) is so extremely important to my walk with Him. To start each day in prayer, to end each day in prayer... I ask for Him to remain in me all day long, that I would never stop feeling His presence.

There are other times when I need no time to wait, when I can barely begin praying soon enough, the words pouring from my thoughts even before my eyes can close, even before I have a chance to sit down. I hope the practice of authentic prayer can help continue this—that I would be able to flow into immediate conversation with God no matter where I am or what I'm doing instead of having to wait until the world slows down enough around me to focus. I love Him for His faithfulness to "meet me here," no matter where I am or what I'm doing when I call upon His name. His faithfulness is unfathomable, and He deserves my full attention—even (and especially!) when everything else wants it.

slide show

2009-04-07T09:24:00.003-04:00

Finally I have gotten around to doing something I've wanted to do ever since we got back from Africa in August, and that is to make a slide show of my pictures, putting them to music. I had a hard time narrowing them down (obviously—the slide show is 15 MINUTES LONG!), but I think this is a fair representation of our time there. Of course nothing will ever be able to accurately portray exactly what we experienced, but hopefully this comes close. Something about seeing these pictures with music, I think, adds a whole new layer to it all as my own feeble words consistently fall short when I try to share the things we saw and did. In tribute to the amazing opportunity that God blessed us with, and in awe of what He has done and is doing in Kenya, here it is...

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

in between

2009-04-06T16:25:00.005-04:00

I stood outside on a downtown street this past Friday night, down by the river among throngs of people, relishing the short-sleeve weather post sunset (finally!!!), and I have to say I really enjoyed the Francesca Battistelli concert. I was first of all floored that THAT voice could come out of her, this tiny 20-year-old brunette who happens to be more spiritually mature than most people I know. She really put on a good show, a chill acoustic performance in a sort of small, personal setting. It was a fun little night until one song changed everything—for me at least.

From her somewhat recently released pop Christian album, Paper Heart, now flooding the pop Christian charts and #1 spots on iTunes, came "Time In Between." As li'l Fran tried to explain her experience with hoping for something, or feeling as though she was called to do something, and being in that place before reaching the point when God actually blessed her with it, she made a simple observation that the time in between is where our faith is actually shaped and strengthened. And knowing that in a few short hours those same streets would be filled with all the late-night partying and mischief afforded to a college town with more clubs and bars per square inch than ants, her rich soulful voice rang out through the night air with these words:

You were there when your Father said

Let there be light

You obeyed when He whispered

Son, you have to leave tonight.

To spend nine months in a mother's womb

three days in a borrowed tomb

But it's the time in between

That brings me to my knees

Knowing You came for me

And all that I can't be

I'm amazed, so amazed

And I thank you for the time in between

Don't take much for this crazy world

To rob me of my peace

And the enemy of my soul

Says you're holding out on me

So I stand here lifting empty hands

For you to fill me up again

But it's the time in between

That I fall down to my knees

Waiting on what You'll bring

And the things that I can't see

I know my song's incomplete

But I'll sing in the time in between

So many ways

Your love has saved the day

And I'm grateful for them all

But it's the time in between

It's the middle of two thieves

That says everything

It's the reason I believe

I'm amazed, so amazed

And I thank you for the time in between

Oh, Lord, I thank you for the time in between.

With that "destination thinking" we're all guilty of at times, I wonder if we rush right through the times in between, before getting what we think we want or to where we think we need to be, without realizing how valuable our present seasons in life are—how purposeful they are to our growth and development. With Easter approaching, thinking back to these last few months between celebrating His birth and His death, I wonder what have I made of the time in between? What do I really know about His time in between? It's the middle of two thieves that says everything... If He is truly at the center of our lives, then it's what's in between that means EVERYTHING...

sense and spirituality

2009-03-24T16:02:00.010-04:00

In today's issue of the magazine, we ran a really sweet story in our Visual Arts section, the most beautiful human-interest piece I've seen in a while. We featured a local artist here in town, an 88-year-old man who has been totally deaf since the age of 7 upon battling a bad case of rheumatic fever. His name is Quimby Cassius (I mean, really—fiction could not have written this any better). Not only can Quimby not hear, but he never learned sign language or how to read lips for fear of drawing attention to himself. His childhood was smattered with affliction, bearing the early death of his mother, the long absences of an alcoholic father, the poverty and hunger that resulted from the America Great Depression, and "the puzzling hush that came upon him," as the artist's representative, Verne Strickland, put it.

Despite all of this, Quimby has a truly jovial spirit. He maintains a successful auto-body repair business, and was blessed with children who are among those who know him best and keep him grounded. "Though he is shut into a silent world, Quimby is not mute—he is far from it," Strickland said. "He has learned to speak through his paint brush. And he speaks with authority. His language of colors and shapes is eloquent, and for the most part melodious and calming. Rarely does the voice reprimand, agitate, insult, shock or complain."

As innovative as he is creative, Quimby utilizes his downtown shop as the source for all his artistic materials, using leftover car paints and lacquers, brushes and tools to produce his work.

"I started painting to ease my mind," Quimby himself revealed to our freelance writer through written word (his only means of communication). "It helped me a lot just to be able to express myself. I paint what I feel."

This 88-year-old man is about to have his very first art show of his original work this weekend, open to the public. It should truly be something to see, the pure expression of an artist who revels daily in the beauty and chaos of silence...

I started thinking about being deaf, or having the loss of any of our senses, after editing this piece last week. I wonder what someone who was born deaf—who cannot and has never been able to hear a thing—thinks about the concept of sound as someone tries to explain it to them? I'm sure they rely on vibrations in the air and the heightening of their other senses to react to certain things, but I wonder what they think actual sound is really like? Like when they see someone clap or call after a person who, in turn, immediately looks in that direction... what do they think that person experienced in order to "hear" it? And do they feel they are missing out on what seems to be a great indicator of the life happening all around them?

As the church is, after all, called the "body" of Christ, I wonder if we as Christians are sometimes out of tune with our senses. Do we truly hear His call, savor His words, see His character? And most sadly of all are those who have never even been exposed to the Gospel, or those who simply choose not to follow... It seems they are walking through life as though deaf. Not to say that Quimby or anyone else who is deaf, blind, or what have you cannot be spiritual or cannot have a relationship with God—but the analogy of a loss of our senses I think deeply applies to anyone's walk with Him. Unless we are truly awake and in tune with the Giver of all life, are we taking for granted what we have been offered compared to those who have never even heard His name?

godspeed

2009-03-22T17:37:00.005-04:00

Today I said good-bye to my friend and small-group leader, Emily, who is leaving on Tuesday for Guinea, West Africa. She will be there for three and a half months working among a tribal unreached people group: the Baga Fore people. From there Emily will come back here for a bit before moving to Columbia, SC, to finish schooling in order to become a missionary for PIONEERS—after which she will be on the field somewhere full-time! She has been such an incredible inspiration to me, as a friend, a sister in Christ, and someone who has really shown me the woman of faith I want to be. I know she was put in my life for a reason, and this past year that I've had the opportunity to get to know her better has been such an enormous blessing to me. She will probably never know the impact her friendship has had on my life and spiritual walk! It's going to be so hard (and weird!) not having her around. But as much as she is both a blessing and an encouragement to everyone around her, I now have to be happy for the people in Guinea—it is time for them to be blessed by her presence!

Emily is going to be a part of an incredible literacy project which entails producing a written alphabet for the Baga Fore's spoken-only language. A handful of missionaries has been living amongst them for four years just to learn this language that is ONLY known to those in this tribe. Once the alphabet is created, written and produced, the people can learn to read and eventually... read, share and spread the Gospel! It is SUCH an exciting thing to be a part of, and I know that Emily was divinely appointed to participate.

Saying good-bye to her family in Charlotte this past week, however, was extremely hard. Her older sister, brother-in-law and three nephews are a missionary family in Indonesia, and they have been on furlough for the past few months during which Emily has gotten to spend a lot of precious time with them. They will be gone again when she gets back from Guinea (for another three years in Indonesia), and with Emily's uncertain future with PIONEERS, as far as her placement as a full-time missionary, she said they left each other not knowing when the time they'd see each other next would be. Their mother, twice widowed, is having a really hard time with both daughters being gone soon. But Emily made a great point that her family is so tight (and will only get stronger), while some families live right next door to each other and yet don't love each other half as much as hers does.

I so admire Emily's steps of faith and trust in the Lord to go where He has sent her... But for any insecurities, I found a gem of a verse that I put in the card I wrote and gave to her today, Psalm 139:9-10 (NIV), which says: "If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast."

Amen!

Until she returns I will pray for her often, be thankful for all she has taught me, and think of her with joy in my heart. I know that God will use her to do incredible things (as I told her in the card: where HIS ability meets our availability, miracles can happen!). Godspeed to a beautiful friend and child of God!

know God, go green

2009-03-21T12:33:00.012-04:00

Spring is here!!! It's so awesome to see everything in bloom, almost overnight, like one morning the Earth just opened its eyes, shook its head, and suddenly woke up from a long nap. I think I love it the most because God is so evident in nature. And it is completely unfathomable to me that not only did He create each and every plant, every creature and every little nuance in the environment, but He makes them appear year after year like clockwork, along with the tides and the crazy idea that the Earth would spin around itself to make a day while floating around the sun to make a year. How cool is that?!

There is a lot blooming around and inside my house right now, as my roommate is a true science lover and is planting all sorts of things. On almost any available space in our house, there are several of her "babies" peeking their green heads up out of the soil and taking a look around. Here's a few of them:

(Click picture below to see the cilantro first starting to show up in the pot on the left!)

"It is so fascinating to me," she said the other day, "that you just take some dirt and water and make something green." What fascinates me, as well, are the ones on the kitchen counter and the fact that instead of growing straight up, they turn and grow toward the sun, curving and reaching out to soak in the rays streaming through the window. A few nights ago, I had to get a picture:

The very same God that made every living thing on Earth also made each one of us, and I can't help but to think that He craves for us to reach for Him like this, to turn and position ourselves toward Him, away from anything else that is not like Him, to soak in His greatness and goodness, in order that we would grow and be filled. How amazing it would be if this were a picture of all peoples and nations on Earth, craving and desperate for our Creator, the one who gave us life...

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in Him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." —Jeremiah 17:7-8

Irish I had a big bowl o' Lucky Charms... :)

2009-03-17T16:03:00.008-04:00

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

Funny how we never learned in school about the fact that good ol' St. Pat was actually a Christian missionary. In honor of the original man behind the big green day (NOT a leprechaun—although I really would appreciate a yummy bowl of Lucky Charms), the patron saint of Ireland who was a hugely important figure among the earliest of Christian missionaries, here are a few quotes from this amazing, inspiring man of God:

"I am certain in my heart that 'all that I am' I have received from God. So I live among barbarous tribes, a stranger and exile for the love of God."

"If I have any worth, it is to live my life for God so as to teach these peoples—even though some of them still look down one me."

"I cannot keep silent, nor would it be proper, so many favours and graces has the Lord designed to bestow on me in the land of my captivity. For after chastisement from God, and recognizing Him, our way to repay Him is to exalt Him and confess His wonders before every nation under heaven."

"I know for certain that before I was humbled, I was like a stone lying in deep mire, and He that is mighty came and in His mercy raised me up and, indeed, lifted me high up and place me on top of the wall. And from there I ought to shout out in gratitude to the Lord for his great favours in this world and for ever, that the mind of man cannot measure."

"In fact, I said to them confidently: 'Be converted by faith with all your heart to my Lord God, because nothing is impossible for Him, so that today He will send food for you on your road, until you be sated, because everywhere He abounds.'"

"Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me. Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me. "

"I arise today/ Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity/ Through belief in the Thrones/ Through confession of the Oneness/ Towards the Creator."

a neighborly afternoon

2009-03-15T16:26:00.015-04:00

With a light, chilly rain falling and a baby aloe vera plant in tow, planted neatly inside a colorfully painted ceramic pot, my roommate Lindsay and I shared an umbrella in our trek across the street to the first house on our "route": the Powells. It seems simple enough, coming to introduce one's self, but as we crossed I actually began to wonder how much people really do know their neighbors anymore, or rather how much they take time to invest in them. Community is very important in the small town where I grew up, and I have decided I really want to know these people with whom I share a neighborhood. Out in the open across our bleak and drizzly dead-end street, we didn't say a word as we walked up to the front door, and—admitting to a bit of a pounding heart here—I knocked.

It's been over a month since I first moved in with Lindsay in her house on Westchester Road, and for whatever reason—busy schedules, going out of town, procrastination, fear—I have not yet gone to meet my neighbors until today. It's been over a month. Introductions were long overdue.

Since living in Wilmington, in the eight years since I first came here as a freshman in college, I have always lived in apartments. Starting with a year in the dorms, I have since lived in six different apartments before coming to this house. Now I live on an actual street, among home-owners and yards and—get this—an actual mailbox! I moved in with Lindsay for a variety of reasons (mainly because she was nice, she was referred by a trusted friend, we have a lot in common, and I needed a place to stay fairly quickly), but, to be honest, this neighborhood wasn't one of them. I love living in a house now and all that comes with it (garden projects, more peace and quiet, etc.), but Westchester is not exactly what one would call... Pleasantville.

I always get that concerned half-smile when I tell people where I've moved. That recognizing sort of Oh, my... look of half-fear, half-disapproval. I've heard it called several things ("ghetto," "sketchy" and "the 'hood" being most predominant). It's definitely in an older, poor part of town. The houses are quite small, and the yards are far from being kept up nicely. I actually felt like I needed to always be on guard when I first came here, careful not to go out much at night, and so forth. But I knew that staying here would be ultimately temporary (hoping it's my last move before Trey and I get married). I also knew that Lindsay has been here for three, uneventful years, and that maybe I shouldn't judge a book by its cover.

Affirmative as of today.

Although both of us are very similar in that we can be outgoing with those we know well but pretty shy when it comes to strangers, I've been talking to Lindsay a lot lately about wanting to meet the neighbors, and she revealed to me an "emptiness" she's harbored since living here about not reaching out more. She knows a few of the neighbors and has spoken to them, but there hasn't been much of an ongoing relationship. She and I talked about going to see them, getting to know them, cultivating a friendship, assessing their needs, and hopefully being able to help them out or visit them more often once we know more about them. Of course, we also speculated the day we might have a conversation about religion, knowing that the widow next door is actually a Jehovah's Witness and unsure about everyone else. (Again, the theme of widows rises, but I should probably save that for another post yet again, seeing as how that story might take me some time to write out.) But first things first, and we started today.

We were immediately welcomed inside, my thoughts of a perfectly worded introduction sliding away like the rain off the shelter of the door. With beaming, albeit surprised, faces, our across-the-street neighbors ushered us graciously into their home. The Powells are an older, black couple and two of the sweetest people I think I have ever met. They are both retired and have been living in this same little house on Westchester for over 30 years. Mr. Powell is originally from Jamaica, and his accent is still very noticeable (and so cool! I love listening to him talk!) He has little tufts of gray hair, missing teeth and these kind, laughing eyes. I liked him instantly. Mrs. Powell is extremely nice, too, taller than her husband and loves to laugh. She appreciated Lindsay's sense of humor, I think. The Powells both were so warm and happy to see us, and their home was filled with old pictures of what looked like family members. They said they always love meeting new people, and Mr. Powell asked if he could call us "neighbor," like when we see each other in passing. He said he has missed Mr. Wilson who lived across the street very much since he died. I could tell he'd been a dear friend that has not (and maybe cannot) be replaced. They told us before we left that their gate is always open, and we told them the same.

After running home for our other aloe-plant gift, we went back across the street to the Powells' next-door neighbor, Verilyn (not sure how to spell it?), a widow who lives alone but cares for her grandchildren much of the time, and who has tons of family coming in and out regularly to see her. Some of them were there when we went, so we didn't stay for long, but we had a good visit with her, too. Verilyn is your quintessential older Southern black lady, straight out of Fried Green Tomatoes or Walking Across Egypt. She gave me a great big hug when Lindsay introduced us and, honey child, she talked to us like she'd known us for years (although she frequently called me Jessica instead of Emily—but that's OK)! Her enormous coffee table flower arrangement looked like it had come straight off the sanctuary's centerpiece table at church, and there were framed Scripture verses hung all over the house. She was loud and funny and endearing, and Lindsay and I were sent home with two HUGE sweet-smelling, dripping pieces of pineapple upside-down cake, made fresh that morning ("I haven't learned how to make a small cake yet," she told us with a big grin. "I got a big family, so I only know how to make big ones.")

Back on our side of the road, we were disappointed to see that Mrs. Wilson, the widow next door, was not home, so we ventured hesitantly over to the other house next door to us, the one to our right. We hadn't planned to go over there (I have only ever seen a somewhat belligerent thirty-something black male come in and out). But we walked on over to find two men sitting out front talking, one having a beer, one who looked like he'd been to church this morning. The first said he lived there—and if I didn't know any better he was already halfway to tipsy—and the other said he lived downtown, but I didn't catch why he was there. After a couple minutes of quick conversation and an awkward silence or two, the two of us little white girls went back home, deciding not to head further down the road just yet.

Overall, I was really glad we had reached out and tried to make friends with our neighbors. I want to keep our relationship going and see if we can't all just be there for each other the way that a community should be. And I really look forward to meeting Mrs. Wilson. It was so good to get away from my own little space and out from behind the computer screen, book or cell phone long enough just to invest some quality face-to-face time with the people living around us. It's definitely not so scary around here anymore. I marvel at God's sovereignty, His plan and His timing, expecting that He will make great things come of my time here, out of all of our time wherever we all are—if only we make ourselves available to what He is doing...

In the meantime, as St. Francis of Asissi once said, "Preach the Gospel at all times—and, when necessary, use words."

So I pray that in our encounters with the people around us, our actions will reflect His character. That even if we don't have a conversation about God in the next two or even 10 more interactions, they will know Him through who we are. That He will be present in us in thought, word and deed. That we will think of them not as projects but as people. That God has made a way for fellowship on our street.

running on faith or running on fumes?

2009-03-13T21:44:00.008-04:00

Lately I have thought a lot about the best ways to help other people (somewhat in correlation to something I want to start doing locally), and interestingly enough it has regularly dove-tailed with my own personal practice of the spiritual disciplines.

If you are one of those who can be classified as a "yes" person, who can't easily turn someone down when they ask you to do something (*coughs and looks in the mirror*), or you simply find yourself constantly volunteering for things even though you know that taking on one more project could easily lead to doing too many things at fraction of your full capability (*sighs and turns mirror toward wall*), it's easy to get consumed with projecting all your focus outward, even with the best of intentions, and not putting enough back in.

I am convinced that one of the best possible ways to help other people, especially spiritually, is to make sure you tend to your own personal walk with God.

For one, you never know who is watching you and being influenced. We might "help" people daily without realizing how or whom. And two, if there is no such thing as perfect, then practice certainly directs purpose. In Perspectives last night, we heard the phrase, "As now, so then." So, for example, if your prayer life is not very good right now, and you aren't developing patterns in which to strengthen it, you won't automatically be eloquent and uplifting when the time comes that you might suddenly need to pray with a friend. As now, so then...

And almost more than anything else, you can't possibly expect to be able to pour into others if you don't fill up first (that is, to fill yourself with God's love and wisdom, to be full of the Holy Spirit, having spent time in the Word and prayer, surrendering to Him). We cannot share what we ourselves do not have have. We cannot pour from a well that is empty! (And, of course, in order to fill up with Him in the first place we have to empty of ourselves to make room, which is a whole other topic unto itself!) I think there has to be a steady, cyclical flow of receiving (filling up) from Him and giving (pouring out) to others, circling around and around. And based on at least what I can gather, no scenario truly works without either one of the two parts together.

It's like with Abraham, who was blessed... to be a blessing to others. It's not just that the Lord blessed him for his faith, giving him wealth and prosperity or whatever it is that people today might think is the meaning of being blessed. We might too soon forget the second part: He was blessed by God so that he could in turn be a blessing to others. He did not hoard this blessing or seek to expand upon it; he turned and passed it on.

[At the same time, I have to interject a favorite quote from our team's spiritual preparation module before we left for Africa: "It's not about what you can do for God as much as it is how you posture yourself to be used by God." So even as we choose to be a blessing to others, it is God who equips us to do so!]

I guess I have just found it interesting to stop and check myself as of late, to realize that rather than thinking I'm doing good to give it my all and constantly move forward for the benefit of a cause or a ministry or for others in any capacity, actually one of the best things I can do for others is to intentionally carve out space to develop my own spiritual well being. It almost sounds counterintuitive until you realize it makes total sense. And, as is the theme, the more I learn, the less I realize I know... :)

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled." ~Matthew 5:6

What can we do with our blessings today?

feels like springtime

2009-03-11T15:37:00.009-04:00

I have learned that happiness is a fleeting, expendable product of circumstance. But joy, true and lasting joy, comes from a Source that will forever fill us if we are open to it—regardless of circumstance.

I see people all the time striving to be happy and looking for it through attainment of something worldly. The problem with trying to obtain something from an unsteady source is that it can never truly be obtained. To think otherwise is to think that life is stagnant and unchanging. But life happens, it moves, things change; material possessions fail, fade and frankly are never what we think they are once we get them. That's why joy, on the other hand, can be constant and steady—it comes from an unchanging and steady source: God Himself. And He delights in giving us the desires of our hearts! Not to say that being "happy" is not a good thing or something we shouldn't hope to be, but it can't be a goal. Not only do our circumstances change, but what we once thought we wanted changes over time, too. So there has to be a reality about the delusion of this constant aspiring to happiness. That reality is the Truth—that we can be joyful at all times, just by delighting in the presence of God! No matter what is going on around us. I believe that a personal relationship with Him is absolutely the key to having joy at all times. How freeing it is to realize that whatever it is we think we lack has no bearing on that! Be it a dark, depressing winter, an economic slump or what have you... Christ is life!

As Denis Waitley once said, "Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude." (Great quote, but I have to add that this "spiritual experience" has a derivation, and it is not something we alone can provide. And grateful for what? His love. Love and grace like and from whom? Only Him.)

Regardless of the fact that, yes, things are actually pretty sunny for me in my life right now... I felt Him today—and I was filled with joy.

"You have made known to me the path of life; You will fill me with JOY in Your presence, with eternal pleasures at Your right hand." ~Psalm 16:11 (emphasis mine)

Here's to the coming of spring, a warm smile rising out of the depths of winter, steady like a sunrise—though we have never lost our joy.

lately

2009-03-03T15:56:00.009-05:00

Things have really settled down for me over the past couple weeks, and I am thankful for a second to get back on here for a new post (hopefully I'll get back to posting more regularly like I was a couple months ago!). The unpacking is complete, and although I am still consumed with my Perspectives class (on top of taking on the project of creating a video slideshow of our Africa trip), I have found that my free time has actually received a little breathing room with the praiseworthy news that my friend is not as in need of constant care, due to her condition being not what we thought. (The important thing is that she is getting better and moving in a more positive direction—and, added to that, I have learned some powerful lessons on the action verbs of unconditional love and forgiveness—so we'll leave it at that.)

I am loving my new living situation and roommate, and I can't believe it's been a whole month since I moved in! I really thought it was going to be more of a struggle moving into a smaller place, sharing shower space with a stranger, doing laundry outdoors in winter and needing to be a bit more cautious of my surroundings within this new neighborhood... but honestly, I have been absolutely amazed at how easy the transition has been. Less room has actually made me more organized, and any other at-first-glance inconveniences have been barely a blip on the headache radar. I think God has really given me a sense of appreciation for what I do have, especially after Africa and also spending so much time lately thinking about what is really important. And praise Him for that because I think I must have been borderline spoiled a couple years ago when I probably wouldn't have thought I could do this! Just last night while cooling off a glass of water, I felt really ashamed to remember thinking once that I would never go back to ice trays since having an ice-making freezer for so long before this move. Can you imagine?? If only that were really a top issue in the world...

So things are going very well now, and I am feeling much more refreshed, soaking in the present even while there is so much to anticipate in the future. For one, I am so proud and excited for Trey to co-lead a trip to Guatemala in the spring! He went this past fall (after Africa) with his dad's church, and now he is taking a team from PC3! The trip would not even be possible if it weren't for him talking up his trip in the fall, and it is awesome to see how God has selected to use him. Also... countdown to June 7th!!! I cannot wait to help welcome my new little nephew into the world! I am so happy for my sister and brother-in-law. They are seriously going to make some of the best parents ever. :)

I also had a neat experience this past Sunday when I was invited by a friend to her church in Fayetteville, back near my hometown. They are a small group of maybe 25 or so, and they meet in the building of a small Bible college. Walking inside I was immediately drawn to a giant missions board that had been recently updated with international missions news and projects they are involved in. I was amazed to learn that roughly half of this church's budget goes to supporting missionaries! Everyone I met was so incredibly welcoming, and not just in a polite "it's good to have you with us" kind of way. No, they were truly genuine. They were not overly friendly as though hoping to attract a new member, but sincerely friendly in a way that made me feel a part of their congregation, if only for a few hours. The service was heartfelt and genuine, the lay minister's message relatable and Bible-based. The whole room was connected in worship, and the whole time I was there I couldn't help but to be so humbled by what I was witnessing: an unassuming little church in the middle of NC with a small congregation but a huge heart for the Lord, trusting in Him to deliver them a new pastor and making things happen in the missions world by taking huge steps of faith. I could really see that their hearts were in the right place, and that their future is potentially very bright.

It was so good for me to experience this. I think we all get comfortable with the way our own churches operate, believing they way we do it is best or most effective, whether these thoughts are intentional or not. What I saw is this: the truth is, we are all so different, but we all worship the same God. We are all the body of Christ, and we should recognize one another as family, not as competitors for members (as I have unfortunately seen). Not that I am even slightly considering leaving my church or that I didn't really know this already, but it was simply so good for me to step out and see again that PC3 is not the only way of doing things, that God is using people and churches all over the place, with or without our own spectacular progress. In fact, He doesn't even need us! But am I ever glad He invites us to participate in His plan, that He chooses to use us through our obedience. :) One thing I can say for sure about a roller-coaster past couple months, in the darkest hours and now in the freshly flowing streams of relative contentment: He is steady, He is faithful, and He is good.

the eyes of a child

2009-02-15T20:02:00.007-05:00

I have the privilege of volunteering with the birth-preK ministry (Grow Zone) at my church. Its mission: To come alongside families as we teach our littlest ones the basic truths of who God is, confident His image will make a lasting impression. Through play, worship songs, Bible stories, crafts, and even small-group time (all amazingly coordinated to fit inside an hour's time), there are four main principles we hope to instill in these children week after week to fully know by the time they enter the next ministry, Treasure Island, for elementary-age kids. They are: 1. God made me. 2. God loves me. 3. Jesus wants to be my forever friend. 4. The Bible is God's story, and everything in it is true.

Grow Zone is fun and exciting, but it is also meant to be intentional about these things—not just a nursery. It amazes me sometimes when I stop to think that—alongside their families, of course—we are helping to actually teach these little people the very first concepts they will ever learn about God. To think that by investing in them like this that they will develop a heart for Jesus so early on is just incredible...

Today during our Bible story was one of those times that this was really apparent for me. After Courtney had read a story to the 4-year-olds in our room, they were especially interested in responding before settling down to close in prayer. One little boy raised his hand and proclaimed, "Jesus is God!"

"That's right!" Courtney assured him with a smile.

"But Jesus is God's son," a little girl countered.

And before we could hope to translate the trinity into 4-year-old-speak, we heard yet another small voice. "Jesus died on the cross," a little boy said in deep concentration. "So that means... God died on the cross."

I could see the wheels turning in each of their little heads, especially this little boy, who had impressively come to this conclusion on his own.

"Well, that's right," Courtney said. "Jesus is God, and Jesus died on the cross."

"I think I would have rather just be tied to the cross," another little boy said before she could continue. "I wouldn't want to be nailed..."

"Yes, he was nailed," Courtney said with gentle honesty. "And it that was painful and very hard, but Jesus did it because he loves us."

"I didn't know there were nails..." Another little boy said softly.

"Did he have to die on the cross?" Another piped up, apparently wondering why all this was necessary.

"No, He didn't have to," Courtney told him. "But He chose to because that's how much He loves us and wanted to save us, so that we could know Him and He could be our forever friend."

The reflections and thought processes that were unfolding was an amazing thing to watch. They learned and had questions and even had a hard time with some of it, but the point is that there was that desire inside them to ask... There was a little fire flaming in each of them that wanted to know more, to know God and what He is like. They were captivated!

I remember wrestling through big concepts like this when I was that age. Nothing passed me by without a great internal turmoil of introspection; huge discoveries about God and the world sent my already wild imagination into overdrive, yearning to grasp, struggling to understand, hoping to be filled. I saw God and Satan as two enormous super-powers, one Good and one Evil. I would dream of the two powers battling each other for authority over the world, and God would always win because I knew He was greater. But my biggest fear was that what if one day, Satan were to somehow end up beating God... and then what would happen to all of us? I remember being afraid for the world because of Satan, and afraid for God because what if He got tired of having to fight him away all the time? Luckily I had wonderful, loving Christian parents who could help answer my questions, and a wonderful, supportive church right across the street. I wonder about how children deal with these kinds of questions without resources like this...

I left my Perspectives class the other night and found myself at a stoplight, staring at the person sitting next to me and wondering about their salvation... and I realized I am still afraid for the world—for the lost, who don't know Him. And although I now know the end of the story (God wins! Jesus lives!), I can't help but wonder how unbelievers get through life's trials and tribulations, even day-to-day events without Him. I think they are all like the children in Grow Zone, just waiting to be cared about, listened to, invested in, guided... What the implications might be if all Christians were to take this seriously...

whispers

2009-02-04T10:58:00.009-05:00

So, there have been some important, albeit time-consuming, things going on in my life right now that have kept me from updating this blog as regularly as I was at one time, things such as moving in to my new house this past weekend and continuing to care for my friend who is sick. (There is a lot to tell about the friend, but I just don't think I can write it here... might have to be a future post. For anyone reading this, if you want to pray but don't know who I'm talking about, don't worry: God does. And thank you!!).

The point is, things are pretty chaotic, inside and out. Life is busy and draining at the moment, and even the physical space I'm living in is still cluttered with boxes and objects that have a place somewhere I have not yet figured out. But coming back to my one word, "rest," I am learning more and more that God is my rest no matter what my circumstance. He is my refuge and my strength. And whether or not I'm living in a spacious apartment or a tiny house, He is my home wherever I am. No matter who is in my life and who may not be, His presence is abundant and powerful. And He is speaking to me...

When everything stops spinning for just a moment (or, who am I kidding, even when it does not), He is there, and He whispers, whispers, whispers... Like the first morning I awoke in my new house, I flipped the daily calendar on my bedside table, a women-focused, faith-based devotional of sorts, one that usually offers some sort of encouragement for the day along with Scripture references. That morning it began, "Lord, bless this new house." It went on to talk about Him bringing His protection to this place, having me treat my guests with respect, and using this new place to bring glory to His name. Wow! And not only that, but there is a widow living right next door... More on that later, but suffice it to say that spoke to me as well.

God also used the Africa albums I posted on Facebook to bring about Trey and I presenting for a third time to a different church about our mission trip, something He truly ordained. I didn't even have to do anything! A friend just now saw the pictures and talked to a lady at her church about us coming to speak to the congregation. How awesome is that!

I know I need to slow down more, to make sure I carve out time for God, to show Him that He's worth it, to give Him attention, to reserve room for quality quiet time. I know it should never be prefaced with "Once I get everything put away and the house in order..." or "once there are more people who can help my friend..." I cannot let circumstance dictate my attitude (and actions) toward spending time with God, and that is something I am currently wrestling through with my word and my daily walk.

But in the meantime, oh how He whispers. Speaking of caring for my friend, I was starting to think that letting that situation sort of become my walk with God (or perhaps not trusting Him enough to care for her Himself) was not a good thing I was doing, when my friend Emily sent me an e-mail out of the blue letting me know how encouraging it was for her to see me helping my friend in this way and thanking me for being an example of Christ's love. She ended it with Matthew 25:40: "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'" I needed to hear that!

And so the whispering continues... You always hear "seek and ye shall find" and "knock and the door shall be opened unto you." But I'm finding that God knocks, too. He pursues His children when they stray, get tired, or stop knocking as often. He reminds me to align myself with His son... where the only true rest can be found.

* * * Addendum * * *

This is no joke: As soon as I finished this post, I had an e-mail pop up from my friend who is sick. We have the same devotion book, "Voices of the Faithful" (not the aforementioned calendar), and since mine is still lost somewhere in box land at my new place, she has been updating me each day on what the devotions have been about. In her e-mail she said, "Today's devotion said to share a Bible verse with a friend. So I will share one with you, my favorite one.

'The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still.' Exodus 14:14."

OK, first of all, with all that she is going through, the girl is absolutely amazing. Two, God totally used her to whisper to me (or perhaps to us both) once again. What a timely and profound verse to hold on to...

grandma

2009-01-20T21:34:00.003-05:00

I keep five photocopied poems written by my late grandmother (Sarah Evans Rea) tucked away inside the front cover of my Bible. They were written at different times in her life, but her voice remains the same. They make me feel so close to her. The poems are mostly about death, but they are coupled with the Good News in such a way that is so hopeful and encouraging. And it is comforting to see how unafraid she was of death and so assured by what awaited her one day in Heaven. She knew it here, and now she rejoices in the reality of its promises. Although I love them all, I read my favorite one tonight and had to smile... She was only off by a month—unless, that is, she lingered to ascend with my grandfather, who did pass away soon after...in April.

A Prayer in Autumn

Crimson dogwood branches gleam
Bright in the Autumn sun,
Gaily twirling, their leaves are gone,
Now they and the dust are one.

Quiet dogwood branches wait
Through months of calm reflection,
Upon the promise of the sun
Of white-winged resurrection.

Give me courage, God, to go
With laughter and with singing,
Down through the shadowed valley,
Where muted bells are ringing.

To hear the Master's message
That these bare branches send
In vivid reassurance,
That this is not the end—

That on some April morning,
When glory gilds the skies
I'll claim the promise of His Son,
That I, too, shall arise.

* The date of this one is unknown, but the only ones I have that were dated (two of the five) were actually written in April—one in 1947 and one in 1948, both with themes of nature and, as always, of God. She loved the spring...

lessons learned

2009-01-18T19:37:00.019-05:00

I've had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with a very special friend lately, someone I am truly blessed to know and am so thankful for. She's young and going through a pretty difficult time. As much as she may think I've been helping her out, I know she has taught me so much more. Tonight I just wanted to reflect on the person I want to be, as inspired by the person she is.

Life Lessons Learned from ****:

Count your blessings.

Count your blessings in every circumstance.

Don't just count your blessings but remind yourself of them often, and tell others (who are witnesses to your life) about them.

Sing like no one's listening.

It's pointless (and unmerited) to get mad at God during trying times. Instead, trust Him—and remember to count your blessings.

Be thankful that these truths are both a reality: God is out for your best interest, and He is sovereign.

Go after what you are passionate about; let nothing stop you from pursuing your dreams.

Appreciate the little things.

Others first. Yep, it's that simple.

Look at the world through the eyes of a child.

Never take for granted a child's vision, intellect, worth or perspective.

Put a positive spin on things—there is always a silver lining.

Keep the company of people you love and can learn from, those whom you aspire to be and those who will bring you encouragement.

Never be ashamed of being a Christian. Play your music loud, speak of the Lord as a good friend, and don't worry what others might think—they may not realize it, but they thank you for it.

Don't be afraid to be 100 percent yourself—even if that means being quirky.

Laughter really is the best medicine.

... But only God heals.

Talk less, read more.

It's OK to be a free-spirited dreamer as an adult—as long as you are responsible when you should be.

Always have a plan—even if you go into something knowing it will probably get tossed.

Always remember others in your prayers... this includes before meals.

Tell people what they mean to you.

It's OK to let others in and let people help you. Those who love you want to be there for you.

Never stop searching and striving for what the Lord wants from you and wants you to be.

Build your life around Jesus. He is not meant to fit inside as just a small part of it.

Surround yourself with all the things you love and all that brings a smile to your face.

When you're down, mad, frustrated, sad or feeling sorry for yourself, remember that God deserves praise and should be glorified no matter what.

Pour all of your heart into the cause you were called to be a part of. Never settle for less.

from a recent trip we went on together:

m-i-s-s-i-o-n-s

2009-01-15T16:07:00.006-05:00

I've been so busy lately that I haven't even had a chance to express the spiritual high I've been on since a very missions-filled few days last week! (What was "my one word" again? Rest??)

Wednesday a week ago, Trey and I helped welcome the Kenya team home by meeting them at the airport. I could have never expected to feel so invested in this team just by being a sender, but the whole day as I waited to leave work, I felt like I'd had about five cups of coffee! I was so excited!!! I could not WAIT to see everyone and hear stories and find out about the boys in Kenya. I was so thrilled for each of them to have had this incredible experience because I knew what the trip had meant to me, having been to Kenya just six months earlier. I was so happy to see everyone safe and well, and it warmed my heart to no end to hear about the boys and the fact that several of them had asked about me personally! I feel like my job as a sender is not even close to over, as these team members are still in the midst of their re-entry... and I'm so honored to continue to pray for them and help in any way I can!

The next night on Thursday, Trey and I began the missions class Perspectives. It's a semester-long class that can be taken for college credit, and it is all about missions from the "perspective" of the World Christian Movement (WCM). It's every Thursday night for three hours (now through May), and different guest speakers who have served on the field will be speaking during each class. It's my first time ever taking this class, and so many people have told me it absolutely changed their life. I have really enjoyed the readings and homework for this week, and I cannot wait to learn more. The material is divided into four sections about missions: biblical, historical, cultural and strategic. You can take it as preparation for becoming a missionary or simply to learn more about the WCM. It's kind of intense and very time-consuming, but the good thing is that once you're alumni, you can take it year after year for free. [www.perspectives.org] Love it!

And finally, on Sunday, Trey and I gave a presentation of our trip to Africa at my home church in St. Pauls. It's the second time we've presented to a group, and both times just went so well. We did a PowerPoint presentation of pictures, showed two video clips of the boys singing and played one of the boys' final goodbyes from Trey's voice recorder. We had most of our souvenirs on display, and after a Q&A session at the end we passed out prayer requests, specifically for Kenya and the boys. I feel truly blessed to have the opportunity to share our story with so many others. Not only is talking about our experience helpful to us (in a prolonged re-entry sort of way), but I just really hope it has made people more aware of the world at large, and opened some minds and hearts to missions. And if nothing else, maybe it has inspired more people to pray! Our trip seems to continually touch lives here at home, and I am really excited to see what '09 has in store... As of right now, I still don't know where or when I'll serve, but I do know short-term missions now has a permanent place in my life... To be continued!!!

I made this collage for my computer desktop at work (for the beautiful memories and in part to remind me that my job itself is a mission field):

reprieve

2009-01-12T17:19:00.004-05:00

I was writing an article today at work about an upcoming breast-cancer awareness fund-raiser, and, temporarily stumped to find a synonym for "reprieve," I took the journalist's easy way out and quickly typed the word in the Dictionary/Thesaurus application on my Mac. Upon finding a better word to express the right sentiment in my introduction, I happened to glance down before X-ing out, and, for whatever reason—call me a word junkie—I clicked the word "amnesty" just out of curiosity to read its official definition.

I found it interesting to see that "amnesty," other than having a sort of political or legal connotation (i.e. "pardon," "release," "discharge"), is also a term for "grace"—and of course my mind immediately turned to God's grace. I further read that the word "amnesty" comes from the Greek root "amnestia," meaning "forgetfulness."

And there in the middle of my workday, God found a way to remind me that, far beyond simply "pardoning" or "excusing" our sins, it's like He actually forgets they ever existed as soon as we confess them to Him and ask for forgiveness. With his incomprehensible grace or "amnesty," God forgives AND forgets. He counts all our wrongs as lost.

"If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?"
—Psalm 130:3

my one word, 2009

2009-01-05T21:09:00.016-05:00

Again this year my church in Wilmington is doing the "My One Word" series. It is a sort of corporate "experiment," for lack of a better term, where Pastor Mike challenges everyone to narrow down their New Year's resolutions to just one word to focus on for the year. Yesterday he really hammered home the fact that it should not simply be a resolution to stop or prevent bad past behaviors from continuing but a word that gives vision to the future and the year ahead. One that will make us strive to not just be "better" but to be what God wants us to be. (www.myoneword.org)

I really had to sit and wrestle with my word for this year. I didn't want to choose it too fast. I wanted it to be right. I wanted it to be God-appointed.

Around mid December I started thinking about having to choose a new word. I'd had quite a year with "position" and just didn't feel quite ready to let it go—but I knew a new word was coming. I thought about "serve" (to look at each day as the chance to serve others and God). I thought about "in" (as in, what does it really mean or look like to truly, literally, live out John 15:4?). I thought about "perspective" (conveniently also the name of the missions class that Trey and I are about to start). I had always had these kinds of active words. My word for 2007 was "inspire," a call to action for me to live a life of faith that would hopefully be encouraging to others. 2008's "position" was all about intentionally putting myself in places, around people and among opportunities where I could be used by God. And so this year I was fighting my word from the onset, but God would not let me take the easy way out. He had a word ready for me, and it was a non-negotiable.

"Rest."

I would not have chosen this word. I did not want this word to be mine for this year. Every time God laid this word on my heart, or pushed it into my thoughts during prayer, I shunned it. I wanted an action word! I kept thinking, I know there might be something to this, but it doesn't have to be my one word—I can find a better one.

But the truth is, God knows what I need more than I do. I feel as though I have already really "jumped in" at church over the last year, and there are even more commitments and potential commitments lining up for 2009. These are things I love to do and want to do. If I'm already serving, an action word like "serve" might not be something that challenges me in this particular area.

From what I understand, these one words are supposed to be something that will help get you where you need to be as a person. There are many things I strive to be and many areas I feel need more improvement. Ultimately, I want to reflect God's character, to embody the fruits of the Spirit found in Galatians 5 and the qualities of the Proverbs 31 woman. I want to live a life of active faith that will help others while glorifying God. And to do that, I need a strong relationship with Him. I need to be refreshed, recharged, revitalized. I need for it to be so natural that He is my source for all things. I need to remember to rest. And suddenly it all falls into place—my word makes perfect sense.

This is going to be hard, but I'm pretty sure that's exactly why God chose it for me. To change me and work on me, to strengthen our relationship by using something that, at this time in my life, will not come naturally. I still want to do so much, but what I can't do is fall into doing things, even good things, simply on the momentum of it all, without thinking or just to check them off. I need to maintain a strong foundation on which to base why it is I serve or lead or go or do.

The main part of "rest" for me will be slowing down and being disciplined about making more room for more quiet time: reading the Word, reflecting on it, hearing from it, praying, journaling. Getting close to God. Maybe that will mean getting up a little earlier before work. Maybe it'll mean fasting from the Internet sites I waste too much time on when I'm home. Quiet time is biblical and important, and not making it a priority is like saying I don't take those truths seriously.

And so "rest" won't simply mean taking a break, taking a day off or just saying "no" to a few things (although this physical aspect is important, too). Mostly it means I must remember to rest in God. Let Him be my rest, my refuge. To listen and hear more closely what He wants from me and where He is guiding me instead of trying to do it all myself. I'd thought about the word "still" as the scripture "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10) came to mind for the verse to go along with my word. But "still" does not quite fit like "rest" does. Because despite when life is busy, hectic and fast—anything but still—I can still find rest in Him. Rest can be present even when stillness is not.

I brainstormed a list of words that will accompany "rest," words that my one word will incorporate, use and precede as I start this journey (let's be honest—as a writer, this one word stuff is hard. One word? Seriously??). They are:

refuge

peace

grounded

steady

foundation

still

harbor

anchor

source

refresh

recharge

restore

revive

trust

quiet

closeness.

My verse(s):

Psalm 62. (The whole thing. My "source" passage from Africa.)

"Be still and know that I am God."—Psalm 46:10

"He restores my soul."—Psalm 23:3

"Come to me...and I will give you rest..."—Matthew 11:28-30

OK, I should probably stop blogging now. I really need to get some rest...

another one bites the dust

2008-12-30T21:46:00.011-05:00

It's hard to believe tomorrow is the last day of '08! As much political drama, economic anxiety, weather disasters and more that America has experienced this year, I have to say that 2008 was actually a personal high for me. In fact, it's been one of the best years I've ever had! My family has been blessed with new additions (and the announcement of another one on the way); Trey and I are as close as ever with a three-year relationship that only gets better and stronger every day; I met and made new close girlfriends through church whom I deeply respect and have so much fun with; I went to Africa on a mission trip (truly a highlight); and most of all I really felt like God pursued me into a closer relationship with Him and strengthened my faith. What a year!

I actually kind of love this time of year. New Years Eve plans (or not) aside, I love to reflect on the waning year and look forward to a new one. Besides coming up with "my one word" for the year through my church (which I have not done yet, but Pastor Mike usually gives us a few weeks into January to decide), Trey and I have also been in the habit of writing down resolutions for the past couple years, things we want to really try and improve on or do—and hopefully refer to mentally long past January 2nd...

With that being said, for the sake of accountability I am going to post mine here so that I can't back down, revealing my hopes for 2009 (and subsequently exposing my flaws, as these are obviously things I know I need to work on!). After mulling it over tonight, I think I have a game plan. Here's to 2009!

1. Continue to strengthen and cultivate my relationship with God.
As mentioned above, this past year really brought my walk with Him to an all-new level—but I just want to make sure I keep it up. I want to live for Him, not simply with Him in the back of my mind. I want to know and reflect His character, to serve Him and follow Him. I want to apply everything I'm learning, not just store it in my head. I want Him to be my source for all things, to fully know that He is sovereign. And to do this I know it also means I will need to...

2. Be disciplined about making room for more quiet time.
They are definitely called spiritual "disciplines" for a reason. This past year I have really developed a desire to get more into the Word—that is, actually reading the Bible regularly and listening for God through Scripture. Prayer has also become an especially powerful part of my life, much more than a "before meals" kind of thing. But I need to work on making time to be with God every day, especially when things are hectic. Because if not, I am telling Him I think I can do it without Him... and nothing could be further from the truth.

It's easy for me to be on a spiritual "high" driving home from my small group on Wednesday nights, to come home and lift up gratitude-laced prayers or prayers of intercession, only to let my communication with God wane as the week drags on. It's easy to hear a powerful sermon and come home eager to research more passages, only to let Monday sway me to believe it's all about my job or checking off to-do lists. It's easy to get "off schedule," like being home for the holidays and letting that break in routine keep me from spending time with God daily. These things are all easy, but I resolve to be disciplined—even when being selfish seems so good.

Two more of the spiritual disciplines I want to improve on: secrecy (humility) and witnessing (being more aware that I may be the only representation of a Christian that each person I encounter may know).

3. Make a budget and start tithing regularly.
Finances—yuck. This area is a huge flaw for me. I'm pretty good at finding all kinds of excuses (having a low yearly income, medical expenses, etc.). But if I can't work out a way to give back to the church, then I'm not being a good steward of my money—period. Because ultimately it isn't mine at all.

4. Go on another mission trip and continue to serve locally.
This one I don't really have a specific plan for—which is a good thing. I resolve to tune in to where God is leading me and be obedient in answering His call.

5. Lose at least 10 pounds.
Ah, the yearly resolution that never seems to go away. This one just rolls over, like Alltel minutes. Oh well. Maybe I should just resolve that this one does not show up on my list again for 2010!

6. Do not get frustrated with new living situation!
Ultimately, I know this move is going to be a really good thing. Lindsay seems like an awesome girl, and I'm excited for the beginning of a new friendship. But the house itself may be a bit of an ongoing trial. I resolve to keep Africa in mind—that is, to realize anything I have is a blessing. I resolve to be happy with what I have and joyfully work with whatever I have to work with. I resolve to take cramped and cluttered over pride and excess... and appreciate what God will do in me through this!

7. Get in really good control of my diabetes, visit family more, be best girlfriend possible!
OK, so these are all clumped together, but they are pretty self-explanatory... :)

Happy New Year!

It's a boy!

2008-12-23T13:49:00.012-05:00

Just last night my sister and brother-in-law found out that their first child is going to be a boy!!! I'm going to have a nephew!!! :)

This is such an exciting time for our family! My parents' first grandchild, my first time being an aunt, and of course Sarah and Brad's first venture into parenthood. I can't wait to see what he looks like, who he takes after, what his personality is like, etc... The expectancy of finding out the baby's gender has been the topic of conversation for weeks, and now that we know, everything has suddenly become even more real. Sarah sounded so excited when I talked to her on the phone and so enthralled by seeing the sonogram at her 16-weeks doctor appointment yesterday. I can't even imagine what was running through her mind as the anticipation, excitement, dreams of the future, and huge amounts of love were personified on that screen. I am so grateful to God for this miracle and for the baby's health and protection thus far.

Along these lines, the sheer importance of family has really resonated with my family this year in particular, as ours has undergone seemingly as many difficulties as there have been blessings. Alongside the birth of my cousin's twins and my sister's pregnancy, we've also had a cancer diagnosis, as well as career and financial uncertainty brought on by the awful state of the economy. As we gathered for family time in Clemson this past weekend to celebrate Christmas with the Rea/Freeman clan on my dad's side, the consensus was mutual that our annual family beach trip is a must for this next year, despite everyone worrying about coming up with the money and time to make it happen. It is too important for our family to make time for each other, we decided, to not go and risk the beach week dissolving all together...

In this Advent season, as we are all preparing for Christmas in so many various ways, my church is doing daily corporate devotions on the actual arrival (advent) of Christ into our lives. We are exploring the anticipation, preparation and life changes that His arrival implies to each of us, and what it means to "invite Him in." Along with all of this, for me personally, His arrival is about family. You hear about "children of God," "brothers and sisters in Christ," and the "family of believers." And it's because Jesus' arrival unites all Christians around the world as one family; His existence binds us by His blood in a way that makes relationships a top priority—among one another and, individually, with He Himself.

And so as my sister and family are eagerly awaiting the arrival of a son, millions of our spiritual family members across the globe are, too, awaiting the arrival of a Son. A Son born to make the ultimate sacrifice for us all. The One whose birth was not only a life-changing, exhilarating time in the life of His expectant mother, Mary, but a world-altering, forever-impacting moment for us all. The One whose birth I hope we anticipate as family. As blood kin. Personally. As they say... a baby changes everything.

It's a boy!!! The light of the world. He has arrived.

whom shall I send?

2008-12-17T09:12:00.004-05:00

Well, the December Kenya team's last meeting before their trip was last night. I am so excited for this team and feel so honored to be sending them!!!

This has been my first experience as a sender, and I feel so invested in each one of these team members' lives, simply by having been praying for them and this mission. I remember how much it meant to me when we had senders for our trip in August. I absolutely felt safer in our travels just knowing we had a team back home praying for us. The entire trip was just one answered prayer right after another. Anything we were anxious about or hoped to have happen was taken care of. I felt as though we were floating on prayers. It is such an honor to intercede for them in this way, as our senders did for us. They are such a solid team, such an awesome mix of some truly amazing individuals, and I just know that what they do in Kenya is going to make such a lasting impression on the people there.

On that note, the fact that Christ goes before us and prepares the way is such a fascinating concept to me. That He has gone before just incites so much gratitude in my soul. I remember during times I was nervous about going to Africa, I made this my prayer:

Lord, though I am anxious and afraid at times, this is what I know to be Truth: You made Africa, You know it like the back of Your hand, and You are looking at it right now. How can I be afraid of the unknown when You do know it and You are going with me? Thank You for not only going with me and being with me always but also for going before me—that where I go and what I will do has already been prepared by You for me to fulfill.

I am so excited about what God has prepared in advance for this team to do, and I am so thankful for their willingness to answer His call! I cannot wait to hear all about the amazing things He is about to do through their hands, mouths and feet... all for His glory.

How beautiful are the feet of those who bring Good News!—Romans 10:15.

tribute to my small group

2008-12-15T21:47:00.011-05:00

There are few other things that enhance my walk with God—beyond the Word and prayer—than the friends I have among His body of believers. My small group is an answer to a prayer I didn't even know I had. Luckily God knows my every thought, even if I don't.

I've never really known what it is like to have such strong Christian girlfriends as I have found this year, ones who are not afraid to swim against the current, who are honest out of love instead of just saying what you want to hear, who are hilarious and fun yet who always point back to the Truth in any given situation. They are such a blessing to me and so much a part of my life as a believer. And while it is true that His love is enough on its own, and His provision will sustain all I could ever need, I know I would be much more shaky in my walk if not for their example. What an awesome recognition by the church to know that small groups are not just a program of the church—they are the church! That life change happens best not sitting on a pew but in community. So here's to small groups! And here's to my mine! (Pics are "clickable"—they get bigger.)

Advent Conspiracy

2008-12-13T13:54:00.002-05:00

I love this video and think it offers an awesome perspective for this time of year!...

simplify!

2008-12-10T08:49:00.006-05:00

Well, I have found myself at it again... I'm moving!

I've moved quite a bit since living in Wilmington—in college and after—and post graduation, each place got better and better. First, it was a three-bedroom apartment with my two roommates, one that never quite phased out of being our "college pad." (Ping-pong table in the living room and everything—you get the idea.) Next was a two-bedroom apartment with my own bathroom, not one to share, that I didn't even have to leave my room to get to... Wasn't I such an adult! Next was a cute two-bedroom apartment with a different roommate, one with brightly painted walls and stylish decor... Movin' on up. And finally, I now have this beautiful luxury apartment, same roommate, in a still-fairly-new retail shopping village in a very nice part of town called Mayfaire. The community we live in boasts gorgeous facilities and is prime real estate as far as its proximity to everything I do and could ever need.

I'm moving again in a month and half, and this time I'm down-grading. My roommate is moving to Florida, and I was recently referred by a friend to girl who owns her own house and would like a roommate to help out with the mortgage. (Thankfully, I will not be scouring strangers' "roommate-wanted" ads on Craig's List!) She is super nice, goes to my church, volunteers in Grow Zone like I do, and I just know we are going to get along. The opportunity presented itself so easily and so immediately that I almost feel like it was meant to be! The cons, however, fall with the house.

It is tiny, much smaller than what I'm used to. My bathroom will actually be the half bath, and I'll be sharing the house's only shower. My closet is much smaller than your average coat closet, pretty much nonexistent, so I will either need to give many of my clothes to Good Will or try to store them in drawers and bins as best I can. My bedroom will be dorm-room size, about 9.5 x 10. This basically means most of the furniture my dad has made me to furnish my apartments with will have to be put in storage. My room will have a bed, a bedside table and a tall chest of drawers—good-bye computer desk, trunk for out-of-season clothes, file cabinet, TV, and vanity, as well as closet space for luggage, etc. The rest of her house is furnished, so good-bye bookcase with all my books, and other living-room pieces. And lastly, the laundry room is actually an outdoor shed attached to the back of the house... This will mean trips outside in winter to wash clothes.

But the funny thing is, I am very much looking forward to this move. I don't think I would have even considered living there before Africa. (Not out of snobbish reasons but simply because it doesn't even look feasible at first glance.) And now, as I was telling Trey, the whole thing sounds bizarrely appealing. It actually sounds really good to put all of this STUFF I have accumulated into storage and just live really simply for a while... I don't need the many "home decor" items I have, all the picture frames, anything other than the basics. After seeing what I saw in Kenya, I just feel like anything I have is a blessing. What I have now is superfluous, not necessary. If I have the necessities to live, I am so blessed. Simplify, exclamation point!

This is not to say it won't be a major adjustment. It will seem cramped, and probably be hard and frustrating at times. It will definitely take some getting used to. But I am excited to see the implications of making this decision. It is not an experiment—it's my life. I will have no choice but to walk into this humbly, stripped of ego and pride. What a healthful circumstance. I may not be able to accommodate guests or host my small group or have a lot of the "things" that surround me now, but it will all be just fine. Plus, I will be saving a lot of money, which is a huge pro, and, of course, hopefully make a great new friend in the process. The house is small, but it is still cute, with lots of character! And, on top of this, I don't think you can ever go wrong when you simplify.

At the end of the day, what does it really matter if I live in a small space as long as I am filled with Christ? Again, it comes down to this idea of place and position: The room I make for Him in my life is the only space that matters.

enter as children

2008-12-07T21:50:00.004-05:00

I was just noticing how it's written twice in the Bible that only as children can we enter into Heaven (Matthew 18:3 and Mark 10:15). I think it's so interesting that after all the experiences we go through in life, we must revert to a child-like state to enter Heaven. Our minds may know more as adults, but our souls are most pure as children...

It's been so good for me to start volunteering in Grow Zone since Africa (and not just because I need the practice for being an aunt! :P ). I really love that it's not just a nursery, but that this birth-PreK ministry is, like its mission says, "teach[ing] our littlest ones the basic truths of who God is, confident that His image will make a lasting impression." Today during our Bible story, Courtney asked the kids why they are thankful for God. You would expect a bunch of 4-year-olds to say because He gave me this and He gave me that. But one little girl simply said, "Because He loves us." You know, I think those verses aren't too far off...

"From the lips of children and infants You have ordained praise."—Matthew 21:16

time flies

2008-12-04T22:30:00.002-05:00

I can't believe it's already been four months since we left for Africa! A friend sent me this pic today of our team in the airport, and it made me smile. We had no idea at this point how our lives were about to change! Just thought I'd share (me and Trey: bottom row, left)... :)

Kenya feel the love tonight?

2008-12-04T08:38:00.002-05:00

Ughhh... I miss Kenya so much sometimes, and today is just one of those days...

I had a dream about the boys last night (imagine that), and this time it was like it had been a year or so since I'd seen them last, and they were all so happy to see me! I was so relieved that they all remembered me and were glad to see me come back. I can't believe I only knew them for two weeks. They are so permanently etched on my heart...

I think I'm thinking about them even more recently because I'm trying to determine what I'll do next year. Africa was a major trip, and I just don't know that I will have the funds or the time off do it again in '09. I am considering doing a one-week trip to Guatemala with Trey (where he went in October to build homes for widows and work at feeding centers—yay!), and doing that trip would really fall into place with what I think I would actually be able to do, as far as money and time. But every time I think of not seeing those boys' faces again (and James!)... can't handle it. I just gotta keep praying and being obedient to God's call. It's not all about what I want or, on the other hand, what's most convenient, either.

Lead me, Lord... I just wanna serve!!

in His hands

2008-12-03T21:18:00.003-05:00

It strikes me today that we as human beings love some control. We're so quick to try and solve things or get things done by our own means. No wonder so many of us are so stressed out and full of anxiety! There is no possible way for our lives in be in control (by our own standards) when we put ourselves in charge! It would be so much easier to RELAX if we could all just maintain a perspective that God is sovereign, He is bigger, and He is ultimately the only one in control of our lives. Why is it so hard for us to actually take the pressure OFF by accepting this?

I'm learning that trusting Him is in our own best interest because really He just wants what's best for us, too. There will always be something going on we don't understand that will eventually play a role in the greater plan. Keeping this "bigger picture" perspective pretty much applies to any situation we can find ourselves in... and honestly it makes things a whole lot easier. Act on the Truth, let go of the wheel. Sounds so simple, huh? But I think it's a total excuse to think we can't live this way. I can just see God up there shaking his head at us sometimes. Hello? Did I not say trust in Me with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; to acknowledge me in all your ways, and I will make your paths straight? He is so patient with us. It's got to be pretty frustrating sometimes to be omniscient...!

Yes, Virginia, Jesus Lives!

2008-12-02T18:24:00.009-05:00

OK, I have a confession. Over the past couple years, I have really started to become absolutely irked by... Santa Claus. It sounds terrible, I know. But my beef with the jolly old guy isn't his spirit of giving or the warm fuzzies and magical wonder he infuses into children everywhere. The thing is, I just don't get what he has to do with Christmas. Why is Santa the star of the show? Why is he what represents this holiday? Did he drive his reindeer into Bethlehem that night, and I just didn't know it?

On the other hand, don't get me wrong: I thoroughly enjoyed the whole Santa deal as a child. And one day I'm sure I'll do the same with my own children. But how is it that we came to celebrate him during a time meant to remember the birth of Christ? And how did he rise to such fame that he gets all the glory? A friend of mine once said that after he found out the Tooth Fairy isn't real, followed by the Easter Bunny, and eventually Santa Claus, he always wondered when the day would come that his parents would tell him God isn't real either. Ouch.

I'm not saying that writing a letter to Santa and leaving him cookies as a child led to any lapses in my Christian faith as an adult (I mean, I don't think we all go to the North Pole when we die... that would be a problem), but I do for whatever reason find myself holding a bit of a grudge with ol' Saint Nick...

There is a 50-foot blow-up Santa Claus in a car lot down the road from my workplace, and I stare him down in my car as I wait to make the left turn onto Old Dairy Road in the mornings.

OK, really, why am I being such a Grinch at Christmastime? Happy birthday to Jesus, and to all a good night! ;)

looking back

2008-12-01T15:36:00.008-05:00

Stepping lightly into December—only to have it slide right out from underneath me, as usual—I started thinking today about the start of a new year ahead. I went back to find what I had written on paper as somewhat of a resolution back in January. It's something I touched on in a post back June, but today I wanted to look at it from the beginning. I have fulfilled it in many ways (and left it unfulfilled, too) but I think it's been good for me to keep it in the forefront of my mind—that is, even after January 2. So below is posted what should technically be at the very bottom of this blog—but I guess organization isn't really my style... ;)

* * *

So, at the end of the year in 2006, Pastor Mike at PC3 challenged his congregation to narrow their New Year's resolutions down to one word—a single word to focus on for the entire year. (www.MyOneWord.org).

My word for 2007 was "inspire." I wrote: "The word 'inspire' seems to consistently reveal itself in my life. It's one I couldn't seem to shake when thinking about what my word would be, especially since making the resolution to start volunteering locally again. It is, to me, a call to action—more specifically a call to be a leader by example. I want to be strong enough in what I believe that it is reflected in all that I do. I want also to surround myself with those who in turn inspire me, meaning spending more time with family and loved ones. And, ultimately, the word 'inspire' is a reminder for me to be inspired by God, by all the small miracles He performs daily and by all He has blessed me with in my life. I feel that to inspire it to motivate into action—because I don't want to be passive in my walk."

This year, 2008, the word I have chosen is "position." Stemming from a sermon Mike gave in '07, I want to position myself in a place that will allow God to use me as He would like.

The more I think about my word, the more it feels so right for this year specifically: What's my position on the candidates for presidency, and their position on the issues, and what matters to me when I vote this year? What position do I hold at work, and how can I use that for good (for example, starting a new bi-weekly column in '08 about local nonprofits and the work they do)? My physical position on the Earth this year, for two weeks' time, might just be Kenya, Africa, for a mission trip. And as far as my relationship with Trey, how are we positioning ourselves for the future with the choices we make and have made?

I believe I will need to realize the substance of my word and what it comprises in order to face this challenge this year. I've decided that Placement (where?) + Preparation (how?) + Purpose (why?) = Position.

My verse is Ecclesiastes 4:10 (ASV): "...Do not abandon your position because composure allays great offenses."

My word in 2007 was all about what I can be for other people and what they can be for me. This year I want to see what I can be for God. I am waiting, and I am ready.

"oh, I get by/ with just a little help..."

2008-12-01T12:53:00.003-05:00

Oftentimes, you'll hear people say, "I have amazing friends." But I really do!! It blows me away to think I have such friends who are not just wonderful people but who truly and continually amaze me. I am literally in awe of their faith, their character and their choices in life. They make me stop and re-evaluate my own life, walking with me as I walk with God...

My friend and small-group leader, Emily, for example, is in the process of becoming a full-time missionary through the organization PIONEERS. She is single, which makes it hard for her, as many missionaries enter the field as a couple. But she has been faithful to God's calling for her, and despite being like any of the rest of us—enjoying the comforts of home, feeling inadequate at times, etc.—she is headed for Guinea, West Africa, in April to live in a village among an un-reached people group, a tribe with no written language and no knowledge of the Gospel. Amazing.

My friend Sharli lost her brother to suicide a couple months ago. Kyle was in his early 20s when he took his life, and very close to his three sisters, leaving Sharli with an enormous hurt that is still very fresh. But through it all she has remained very close to God, and this past week over Thanksgiving, she sent a text to friends and family expressing her love and appreciation for us this year. She ended it with "1 Thessalonians 5:18. Give thanks in all circumstances!" Amazing.

My friend Kate was my "buddy" in our buddy system on a two-week mission trip to Africa this past August, and we have remained close friends since. She is younger, around 21 and still in college, but I aspire to her maturity and depth. Despite the pressure to finish school and complete her student-teaching internship, Kate has not hesitated to answer God's call. She first went to Kenya last year, then again this year in August, and now she is going again in December. As much as I worried about coming up with the funds necessary to go on one trip, here is a college student who is making it work time and time again based on her foundation of trust in the Lord. I just found out today that next year she will be going to the Democratic Republic of Congo. Amazing.

I could really go on and on, with several names already coming to mind that I would like to list as well, but I have to stop and give thanks: thanks to God who placed me in the circumstances of my life; that He kept me here and gave me a good job, despite my own previous dreams of leaving to attend grad school out of state, and that through being here I have continued to attend and become more active in my awesome church; that He pursued me to follow Him more closely, to seek out a strengthened relationship with Him, to hunger for Him, His Word and His plan; and that He has surrounded me with such godly people, these Christian friends I have who inspire me, encourage me, uplift me, motivate me and hold me accountable. It is only by His amazing grace that I can be grateful for this gift of such amazing friends... and hopefully the adage will come true that you are who you hang out with!

business sense

2008-11-24T17:31:00.003-05:00

Warren Buffet once said, "In the business world, the rearview mirror always clearer than the windshield."

I think this is mostly true of our lives in general. No one knows exactly what the future holds for them personally, and it can be a lot like driving in the rain. You know you have to keep moving forward, but you can barely see five feet in front of you...

The good news is this: We are actually not the ones in the driver's seat—God is. And we can either stand out on the side of the road in the middle of a downpour and try to find our own way, or we can open the door and get inside.

God is inviting us along for the ride that is our life; we are free from worry about what we might be entering blindly into. Of course, this is not to say we sit there in idle relaxation. We have responsibilities where we sit, from gladly picking up hitchhikers who need to be shown the way, to refraining from self-serving backseat driving. But we don't need to see a mile down the road if we are passengers of God's plan. Because, ultimately, every road he takes us down will lead us to the Cross.

timeless

2008-11-24T16:02:00.002-05:00

I went back home this past weekend, to my small Southern hometown where my parents still live, and took a step back in time. I didn't go back eight years to when I first left home. I didn't even go back a good 20 when I skipped its sidewalks as a child. I went way back, beyond my own recollection or experience, and here I met the great humbling reminder that my life didn't start with me.

St. Pauls is a historic little town in its own right, named for the St. Pauls Presbyterian Church where generations of my family have attended and to which we used to walk right across the street on Sunday mornings. Next door is the Powers house—at least that's how I've always known it. Great friends with my late grandfather, Mr. Powers passed away a few months back, and just recently Mrs. Powers joined him. They left behind a magnificent antebellum-style home with huge white columns and a second-floor balcony from which an American flag still hangs. The rooms are large and gracious, sweeping out around a grand staircase and harboring all the nooks and crannies that give any old home its character.

My sister, brother-in-law and I got the opportunity to walk around inside on Sunday, as the youngest Powers son, Ruffin—a middle-aged man with a big heart and even bigger personality—took the time to show us around. He'd appreciated our family, he said, meaning especially my grandfather and father who both, at different times in Mr. Powers' life, were his woodworking buddies, skilled creators of the most beautiful hand-carved furniture now gracing the interiors of each families' children's—and children's children's—homes.

I never knew Mr. Powers had been injured in the war—40 pieces of iron were scattered throughout his body when he was hit, and 10 remained to the day he died. He strode into town one February day in the mid '40s, was introduced to Faison (who was leaving the theater, which I never knew had ever existed in St. Pauls) and the two were married by June. They didn't quite make it to their 62nd anniversary, but they lived in that house for every bit of their marriage. Ruffin told us their daughter, his sister, tossed her bouquet off that regal second-floor balcony on her wedding day. He said that in the summer those handsome wood cabinets in the kitchen that Mr. Powers made could actually fit a pencil in between them, as the air is much drier then; now in the winter they touched lightly like nothing had ever happened. It was like the house was alive, full of memories, breathing and groaning with the pains of age, now devoid of laughter.

I didn't know a Dr. Northrop had ever lived there before the Powers. He held his practice at his home, the downstairs dining room serving as his waiting room. Townsfolk who needed to be seen would ride up and tie their horses to a tree by the side entrance to the house. Ruffin showed us where the actual chain is still there, rusted and weather-worn, entangled around a thick vine that has grown around the tree itself. The doctor only lived into his 40s, and his widow survived him by 40-some years. The house became an apartment before the Powers moved in, and Mom told me that a few of the older ladies in our church, who lived there during that time, often heard footsteps and creaking doors, certain it was Mrs. Northrop coming back to check on her home.

Reluctantly leaving the glorious Powers house, we had yet another stop to make before going our separate ways, Sarah and Brad to Raleigh and me to Wilmington. Mary White died just a few days ago, and we wanted to visit with the family while we had the chance. Widow of Tom White, Mary was among the last of the group of friends my grandparents ran in circles with. I ache for my grandparents to this day, as their generation is slowly, quietly slipping away into the past. Nostalgia is heavy like a cloak. It makes me angry and sad to think that all this history, much of which I still don't know and may never know, is soon to be lost, but most of all that the people are just gone. That those who come to live here now don't even know how all of what they do and see or where they walk into came to be.

I can take comfort in the vivid memories and tangible legacies; we all can. But what comforts me most is knowing that with God, there is no sense of time. The very same God I talk to today once told Moses to part the Red Sea; He is the very same God of the miracles of tomorrow. Just as Christianity is one of the few world religions that is truly culture-less, it is also timeless. Life is such a blink here on Earth, but what a Heavenly reunion awaits us all... Our citizenship is there, a place that never fades, and we are homesick for it.

face-down prayer

2008-06-12T07:17:00.005-04:00

My church here in Wilmington, Port City Community Church (portcitychurch.org), has been doing a sort of ongoing corporate activity the past couple years called "My One Word." Our pastor, Mike Ashcraft, challenged each of us to narrow down our New Years resolutions to a single word to focus on for the entire year, one that we felt was significant to us or that would challenge us to better ourselves in a specific area. My word for this year is "position." I originally intended it to mean that I would work on positioning myself so that God could use me however He would like. It's been amazing to see how it has played out so far: this is the first year I have gotten involved with small groups, I'm leaving in August to go on my first overseas mission trip (to Kenya), and I have really been trying to surround myself with Christian influences.

One thing I was not expecting this year, however, is to have embraced a much richer prayer life, more so than ever before. In January I began attending a monthly prayer group my friend Emily started for Kenya, I've been reading books on prayer, and I have really committed myself to being disciplined with prayer. It was as if God dropped prayer right into my lap and said, "Look, we need to work on this." Somewhere along the way, I began thinking to myself, "If prayer has been so huge for me this year, did I mess up and choose the wrong word? Was my one word supposed to be 'prayer' instead?"

One night as I was reading a book on prayer by Philip Yancey, I got to the part where he talks about writer Patricia Hampl on her walking pilgrimage to Assisi and how she began to make a list to answer the question, "What is prayer?" A few things she wrote down were: praise, gratitude, pleading, fruitless whining, and focus (I think we can all relate to this). Then Yancey writes, "And then the list broke off, for she discovered that prayer only seems like an act of language: 'Fundamentally it is a position, a placement of oneself.'"

I couldn't believe what I had read. This concept of prayer actually fits perfectly with my word "position," bringing to it a whole new manifestation I had never thought of before. I had not chosen the wrong word for me this year, I had simply been viewing from only one side!

Furthermore, last week I began a new Bible study by Beth Moore called "Stepping Up: A Journey through the Psalms of Ascent." In her introduction she told us viewers that as we do our homework this week, she wanted us to practice what she calls "face-down prayer": literally getting down, face to the floor to pray. We were to find time to do this each day, even if it were only for a couple minutes. It's something I've never actually done, but I knew I would be trying it after hearing her go on about it, about how it would reap such spiritual implications. But I have to admit, I was skeptical: It was still me, still my prayers, so would it really make that big of a difference to be on my face rather than in bed, in front of my breakfast, or in my car? On Day One of our homework for the study, I got down on my face before God to pray. Actually, I first sat on my knees for a good five minutes—this would be harder than I thought. I began to get into the mindset of humbling myself before my Maker. When I began to pray face-down, it was as if I had been a cup, and once I literally tilted forward in that way, everything came pouring out of me; I prayed like I had never prayed before.

This past week, through the practice of face-down prayer, God has revealed to me, "I'm so happy you have strengthened your prayer life, but I want you to understand that it is first and foremost a position." It's not that I have to get down on my face every single time I pray for the rest of my life. But from now on when I pray, somewhere inside me there needs to be a representation of my position in relation to God, in total reverence and humility before the Lord. My position is His child, and prayer is our connection.